what do a school shooter and a person with gum have in common. ones the pull it out everyone wants to be there friend.
Bf:Hey what ya doing?
Gf:just lying in bed
Bf:just lying in bed?
Gf:and eating cereal
Bf:Ha nice,what would you do if i was in bed next to you...?
Gf:eat my cereal
Bf:i mean if the cereal wasnt there
Gf:id get out of bed and get more cereal
My Dad was mowing the grass today, I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.
What's the difference between Harry Potter and a holocaust victim? Harry made it out of the chamber.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
I drove through a school zone and found out you can drag a speedbump 😬
How do you get the depressed kid out of the tree? You cut the rope
What's the difference between a new born baby and an orphan after a rugby match?
They both come out bloody and crying, but least one gets picked up.
Why is Afghanistan good at chess? They take the rooks out fast.
What is the biggest fear of an American soldier taking a piss in a bush during the Vietnam war? His manhood will be chopped off.
When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.
my uncles like the moon. he comes out at night
Why should you abuse the hell out of an orphan? Because what are they gonna do? Tell their mom or dad?
I was at school when i remembered i forgot my necklace then i screamed out, "SHIT I FORGOT GRANDPA."
I rate my dad as pilot 9 out of 11
*P.O.V orphan wanting to go on school trip/camp* Teacher: “can I have ur parents signature? It isn’t filled out.” Orphan: “um yeah.... That’s gonna be hard....” Teacher: “why?” Orphan: “I just have to find them first....”
wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one. She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
I'd make a masturbation joke. But they always get out of hand.
Husband: Dammit alice! I'm your husband and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you! Wife: Go to hell Bob! I'm Leaving! Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?" She points off the cliff and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside all mangled and dead. The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."
