You wanna know why I hate circles so much? They’re just so pointless! But I guess that’s how they roll.
I am still trying to figure out why paying the COVID doctors a compliment is so offensive. They even kicked me out, and all I said was to stay positive...
I wasn’t staring, I was just trying to figure out if that was your hairline or the Great Wall of China.
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
I wasn't staring at you; I was trying to figure out if that's your forehead or the moon.
My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.
I figured out why everyone is buying toilet paper. Because a huge rock is headed towards Earth, and paper covers rock.
A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.
So this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road he starts speeding. Eventually he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, is my wife okay, she was carrying my child. The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes “APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage
What did the orphan get for Christmas? Lego figures from his friend but they ran way too.
Why couldn’t people use the George Floyd action figure? Because it was vacuum sealed.
Me: Now I know why Michael Jackson turned white.
The police: You finally figured it out.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long You wait to smash, for me and my girlfriend it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling
What did the blind kid get for Christmas? He hasn’t seen it yet...
What did the kids with no arms get? He doesn’t know, he’s still trying to figure out how to open it. :))))
(me)I know why u don't have friends. (kid) why? (me) because u can't even figure that out.
After getting in the White House, D.Trump gets a letter.... ... from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:
370HSSV 0773H
All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.
One of the agents suggest Trump to ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary: Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down.
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello please divert to 5°East to avoid collision. Thank you." The commander starts answering: "No you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!" "Sorry sir You are the one who should divert to 5°East! Over! "Listen to me you asshole! We are the USS Washington and we have an entire fleet at our disposal and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!" After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again: "In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
I figure it's ok to hit orphans What are they gonna do? Go tell their parents?
