I was visiting an orphanage and started to pull in close to the building. My car hit 3 speed bumps, and it caught me off guard. I got out of my car, looked under my tire, and saw three orphans wedged in my tire. I started to get worried, but then I thought to myself... nobody will miss them.
I was walking in the forest with my gf.
I had a Desert Eagle for protection.
A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
Why does the orange 🍊 beat the other fruits 🍎 in every race?
Because it never runs out of juice.
How does Stephen Hawking go to the toilet? He logs out.
Yo mama's so skinny that when she walks outside, she floats to Heaven.
While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.
Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!
Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.
You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.
Joke: Why did the gym close down?
– It just didn’t work out.
You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.
We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.
Boi, you're the reason the Great Wall of China is a thing. You're so ugly the Chinese needed to block you out!
So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.
So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...
What's the difference between a PC and a 6 year old? I don't have to clean out my PC.
What did the hooker say when she found out the cash she was paid with for services rendered was counterfeit?
I've been raped!
Why did the Star Wars movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
Yoda was in charge of scheduling.
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.
When you find out your wife had a miscarriage,
So you start singing "It’s the best day ever!"
I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.
All I said was, "Hurry up, some of us got homes to go to..."
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?
Neither one of them, they eat out.
What song do you play at an emo kid's funeral?
Van Halen's "Jump."
