Outing jokes

I was walking in the forest with my gf.

I had a Desert Eagle for protection.

A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.

Boi, you're the reason the Great Wall of China is a thing. You're so ugly the Chinese needed to block you out!

The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:

"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."

The commander starts answering:

"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"

"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"

"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"

After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:

"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"

Why does the orange 🍊 beat the other fruits 🍎 in every race?

Because it never runs out of juice.

How does Stephen Hawking go to the toilet? He logs out.

While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.

Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!

Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.

You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.

Joke: Why did the gym close down?

– It just didn’t work out.

You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.

We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.

So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

What did the hooker say when she found out the cash she was paid with for services rendered was counterfeit?

I've been raped!

Why did the Star Wars movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Yoda was in charge of scheduling.

What did the man say when he swallowed a clock and tried to go to the bathroom?

WATCH OUT!!!

Why did the bat fall out of the tree?

It couldn’t hang in there.

Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"

There's no Asian kids in my class, but it just happens to be the rice store and the pet store just ran out of stock...

It's horrible to make jokes about 9/11, but it's not funny when I found out my mate's mum jumped from the 21st floor.

What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?

They can’t say no.

A Biologist, a Chemist, and a Statistician are out hunting.

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left.

The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right.

The statistician shouts, "We got him!"

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.

What song do you play at an emo kid's funeral?

Van Halen's "Jump."