Outing jokes

I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.

The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy, then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

What do you call a cow without legs? Ground beef.

My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?

Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.

I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Me: I have depression.

Someone: You should get out more! Go outside!

Me: *goes to the beach* Now it's a tropical depression.

The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.

Why isn't the Moon Emo anymore?

Turns out it was just a phase.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a bucket of water. Jack fell down, his cock was out, and Jill gained a daughter.

What do depressed people do when they’re bored?

They “Hang” Out.

What did Steven Hawking say when the WiFi cut out?.........Nothing.

You want to know the bad thing? Only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette.

You couldn't spit out a good sentence, even if you ate a bowl of alphabet soup.

Me: Are you okay?

Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.

So, I took a poop outside. When I was done, I wiped and got it on my finger. After that, I had Nutella, and I thought the poop on my hand was Nutella, and I licked it. I said, "Daddy chill, what in the heck is this crap?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A man walks into his house, only to find out somebody stole all of his lamps. He was absolutely delighted.

How many times does 42 go into 9?

Get in the van to find out.

How to make time fly?

Answer: Throw a clock out of the window.

A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.

The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."

The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."

Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."