Open jokes
I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.
Your dad left you because he went for milk.
*1,000,000 years later*
Her: Dad come back!
Him: FBI open up!
I told my kids to smile with the monkeys in the open zoo.
They never got together at all.
What did the bee say to the flower?
"Hey bud! When do you open?"
Teacher: Students, tomorrow bring your parents to the open house.
Student one orphan: I don't have any.
Student 2: What is the difference between you and an escaped prisoner?
Student one orphan: What!
Student 2: The prisoner gets picked.
What did the butt cheek say to the other when you open us a big order of "choochie man" comes out?
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.
A burglar breaks into a weapons engineer's house, hoping to loot the high-tech arsenal. Suddenly, the engineer yells from upstairs, "Hey! Stop right there!"
The burglar, trying to play tough, screams, "Hands up! I know you've got the goods! Open the armory or I'll shoot!"
The engineer, trembling, cries, "Okay, okay! Don't shoot! I'll give you everything, even my latest prototype!"
The burglar, eyes gleaming with greed, demands, "Prove it! Let me see this fancy new gun first!"
The engineer points to a target range. "It's a plasma blaster," he claims. "Go ahead, give it a shot."
The burglar aims at the bullseye, pulls the trigger, and—BANG!—the gun fires directly into his own chest.
As the thief collapses, the engineer cackles, "Surprise! It's not plasma; it's my new 'Reverse-Recoil Special,' specifically designed for uninvited guests!"
What do you call an orphan that has a brother? The second one without one.
I would like to remind all passengers that this is a no-smoking flight, although do feel free to join me in the cockpit, where we've opened a window.
"In my opinion, JFK was the best president."
"Why?"
"He was very open-minded!"
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!
What do frogs wear for shoes? Open toad.
What does your mom say to you? "Love you, moody."
How do you scare a lot of people in New York?
Open a mobile hotspot named "Delta Inflight Wifi."
When you tell an Asian kid it’s raining cats and dogs and he’s like, “Just open your mouth and close your eyes!”
How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: one to change the lightbulb, and the other to open fire while the room is dark.
What does the child with no hands get for Christmas? Unknown. He hasn't opened it yet.
What does a homeless man in New York get for Christmas? Hypothermia.
Why didn't the opening photo actually have a pic of sex on it? I have always wanted to see porn, too bad I have parents and a school Chromebook.
Friday's opening is open. Religion: "Dark model?" Hopi, Kahan, Virra, Sayla, Salafa, Sales, Power, Sleep. Google is “that cave”.
How do you take care of all the babies you just crushed with your car?
Open a pizza shop 🍕