Open Jokes

Chode

Why’s it so hard to come out of the closet just open the door

What’s the difference between a peanut and a priest?

With a peanut, you have to break the shell open for the nut to come out.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!

F...edUp

It isn’t a real charity until India open call centers, like they did with Africa.

Anonymous

A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box, and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations, and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts “Voodoo Dick, the door!” The wooden penis flies across the room, and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cahsier’s desk, and once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box and the cashier closes the lid. The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand.” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!” The man nods and heads home. Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip. A few days later, the wife becomes very horny, and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina, and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired, and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can, but just can’t get it it. The wife panicks, and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding, and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!” The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Voodoo Dick my ass!" The Voodoo Dick then flies out of the woman’s vagina and inside the officer’s ass. The officer say “WHAT THE HELL GET THIS THING OUT OF MY ASSHOLE!” The woman laughs and replies, “Thanks officer” and turns around and goes home.

Anonymous
in Puns

A clown held a door open for me, I thought it was a nice jester

Plane attendant 42069

Me: opens the window to get some fresh air Everyone else on the plane:😟…😱

Anonymous

My wife left a note on the fridge, the note read “It’s not working” I don’t know what she’s talking about, I opened the fridge and it worked fine!

Sflugo (POJC)

Hello I am Sflugo. I am opening the Pro Orphan Joke Club because a lot of people are sating to get rid of them but we say NO. If you want to join comment and say. #SaveOrphanJokes

Lil_Bunny_LuLu
in Funny

This guy in a trench coat walks up to a kid, opens the trench coat and has glasses inside. He says to the kid, “Hey kid, want some extra-see”

Overwatch_Gamer321
in Puns

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me

Anonymous
in Sally

What did sally get for her birthday? A football! Only joking she hasn’t opened the box yet.

Anonymous

How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her? They put doorknobs on a wall and said, “Open the door.”

Anonymous
in Uranus

For being a Big company, NASA is openly saying they ant pictures of uranus

Mechanical Manic
in Name

A young boy is in a tepee with his father, just after his sister’s naming ceremony. Curious to how it works, he asks his dad, "Father, why is my sister’s name Tulip?" His father responds, "That is her name because a tulip was the first thing she saw when she first opened her eyes." The boy was still puzzled. “What about big brother Sparrow?” "His name is Sparrow because a sparrow landed on him when he first began walking." The boy finally asked how he was named. "Well, we decided to name you the same way as your sister." The boy nods with understanding, “Thank you, father.” “No problem, Two-Dogs-Fucking.”

Hooty
in Hippie

Why is there no open hunting season on hippies ???

Have you ever tried to clean one ?

cj williams
in Orphan

why cant orphans open a family business. because there is no family

Beanz

what did the girl with no hands get for her birthday…we don’t know she hasn’t opened it yet

kristle

sally has no arms. what did she get for Christmas? idk she hasn’t opened it yet.

Watersharky

One day I was on my phone then I got a text message from my Girl Friend, “Hey Sexy boy wanna hang out tonight if you know what I mean…” then I just stopped and froze I read the message I said, “Yeah sure…” she replied really fast, “Theres going to be a few people there ok.” but i didn’t read the next message… she said, “Come right at 12:00 AM.” but i didn’t read it I walked into her house but I heard a strange noise like a moaning noise and it sounded like HER!! so I hide behind the couch and I looked through the open door and saw somthing I didn’t want to see… Like for part 2 and comment if you want me to make another!!