For all those Simpsons fans out there, this one I'm sure you know:
Abe: "It's rotten being old. No one listens to you."
Lisa: "It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you."
Homer: "I'm a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me--no matter how dumb my suggestions are."
Have you seen the Justin meme?
Yeah, the ones that cracked at Fortnite?
Just-in time for deez nuts.
Bruh.
But actually, it's a parody.
Wait, actually?
Parodiesnuts (pair of deez nuts).
Your loved one dies and you call the Coroner's office. They answer, "Hello, this is Benny from the Coroner's office, you stab 'em, we slab 'em, how may I be of service?"
What does a pizza and a Mexican have in common?
One can feed a family.
Yo momma so fat, I asked her to save me a seat, so she sat down and she saved 10, and one by one the legs started popping off.
It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.
What's the difference between a God and my mom?
My mom exists. I mean... she did at one point! Unlike any "Gods."
Me: *finds out my dad's an orphan*
No one:
Literally no one:
Me: Time to make his life hell.๐
Me and rose bushes have something in common: mangled, can hurt, red, and people only like one part.
What's the difference between me and the rest of America?
I love one and hate the other.
Morbius is definitely one of the movies ever made. One of the movies of all time.
One day, a lady and her husband were talking and it was time for dinner. He got up and sat at the dining room table, and the lady brought the plate of food in and she sat it down in front of him. "What's this?" he said. The lady said, "A piece of shit...honey! Want some water to drink?"
Did you hear about that one guy who dipped his balls in paint?
My friend said they were โPretty nuts!โ
McDonald's sweet chili chicken one.
Two people stood in one room. The first guy stared at the second.
First guy: โSorry I had to punch you. It was a game, bro.โ
Second guy: โBetween me and you talking, thereโs almost no PUNCH line. Hah!โ
Why don't Chinese people believe in Santa Claus?
They're the ones that make the toys.
You have two brain cells; one is lost, and the other is out looking for it.
Orphans have tasted all cookies except for homemade ones.
Stephen Hawking can pass any test, but there's one test he can't pass. It is the PACER test.
Why can't orphans be gay?
There's no one to call "daddy."
