No one has the right to look down on others unless you're perfect, and looking down on others is not perfect either.
It's just true.
What's one of the worst motivational things to say to a suicidal person?
“Hang in there!”
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" And the teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down.
Then, the teacher asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" And the teacher says, "Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around.
And then, the teacher asks the class, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.
Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.
There once was a street named Chuck Norris. They had to change the name because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Did you hear the joke about Helen Keller? Neither did she. Did you see that one coming? Neither did she.
(She's blind and deaf)
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
One man's pet is another man's dinner.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.
I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie...
no one could tell that it was their blood.
Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A: So she can moan with the other.
The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."
What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
