One jokes

I cannot believe no one's come up with a cure for anorexia yet. I thought it would be a piece of cake!

Why do I look nervous when I enter the church? Is it just because I'm the only one with the bomb?

Why did no one turn up to John's funeral?

Because Sally wrote the invitations!

Teacher: What’s the closest planet?

Kids yell: Sun.

Except for one.

Other kid: Uranus.

Teacher: Uranus?

Other kid: Yeah, it’s right there.

Everyone has a good heart; they just don't know what to do with it. I say give someone some love. Hate is sooooo stupid. Love is soooo smart!

One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.

Beast joke ever: my life... Oh wait, I don't have one.

Am tired of my country!!!! How can two policemen use one gun?

Two cunts were walking down the street.

One was doing calculus, and the other one says, "Imagine me, a stupid cunt that can talk...."

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N. Oh my gosh, I'm peeing on my shoe, no one knows about it yet!

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and orders a Martinus.

The bartender asks, "Don't you mean Martini?"

Julius Caesar says, "No, I only want one."

I wrote puns on a piece of paper like this:

P. P. P. P. U. U. U. U. N. N. N. N. S. S. S. S.

Then I showed them to my teacher, asking him what they had in common.

“They are all very tearable,” he replied.

Well, there is one person who gets it!

I had a conversation with a Möbius strip.

It was one-sided.

What do you call it when you're dead because of that one drink in Panera Bread? Panera dead.

Roses are red, violets are blue, keep being you, let no one discourage you.

Who would win?

The laws of the Catholic Church which have been effective for over 900 years,

Or one horny Henry?

If you think no one cares about you, stop paying your taxes.

Q: What did one atom say to the other?

A: I have my ion you.

By the way, could you tell me an elevator pun? I can't seem to "come up" with one myself.

My sister and I were hanging out when she opened her drawer and pulled out 3 condoms and said, "Pick one."