One jokes
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.
How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?
Give them a Sandy Hook.
What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?
Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.
What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?
One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.
Woman: I want a man who is 6 feet and 6 inches.
Man: Is 6 feet and 6 inches one thing or two?
Woman: Two, I want a man who is 6 feet and also is 6 inches.
Man: Shit!
What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.
What’s one thing women need to know nowadays?
Their place.
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
What’s the difference between a gun and liberals?
Guns only have one trigger.
I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.
A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.
"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!"
There's only 3 types of people: the ones who can count and the ones that can't.
What do rocks and girls have in common?
The flat ones get skipped.
Yo mama so fat when someone asked her to touch her chin, she asked, "Which one?"
One time, I was working this steamroller when the guy who I squashed farted.
I guess that’s what you call “FLAT”ulence.
How did Helen Keller drive?
One hand on the wheel, one hand on the road.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,
"Please send me a sibling!"
Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"
One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.
A man tried to tame a horse, but always failed. The news spread around town that this man couldn’t tame one single horse.
One day, the man went to a bar, where a fairly old man sat next to him. “Well partner!” He began. “I guess your dream horse is more of a NIGHT-MARE!”