One jokes
What's the one thing that you don't have but celebrities do?
Lots of fans.
Wife: โI want another baby.โ
Husband: โThatโs a relief, I also really donโt like this one!โ
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with Bill Gates? One stands, the other doesn't.
My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.
Why are uncles like curries?
Because bad ones hurt your asshole.
Which one will fall from the tree first, the leaves or the emo?
The emo doesn't fall.
Why are orphans bad at basketball?
Because no one is there for them to pass [the ball].
Why do orphans like boomerangs more than their parents? The boomerang comes back.
One day I saw a kid cry, so I go, "Let's go find your parents." I miss my job at the orphanage.
Why do orphans get lost on boats? They can't find the home room.
Your momma so fat when she stepped on one scale, it broke. When she got another one, it said "TBC." She looked in the mirror, it broke.
One day, during lunch, a Spanish kid came up to my other friend and asked her questions in Spanish, and when she was about to say something, I popped out and said, โGO AWAY OR I WILL SUE YOU WITH BRIANNAโS SEVEN/7 LAWYERS!!!!(AKA, her seven/7 shoes.)โ
When I hotline bling, I only need one thing.
Whatโs the difference between a basketball player and an orphan?
One has a home to run to.
Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"
Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*
Credit to my boy tippecanoe3 for this joke.
What do you call it when Panera isnโt hungry?
Panera fed.
Credit to RogueRobot for this one:
What does Panera sleep in?
Panera bed.
Quote of the day:
Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.
[Comment your favorite fall beverage!]
Before you leave that marriage, remember that one innocent ๐ goat was killed for your traditional marriage. ๐
Your mom is so fat that when she went to the dentist, the man said, "One at a time."
Friend 1: Did you?
Depressed friend 2: I didn't!
Friend one: Swear on your life!
Depressed friend 2: I swear.
A week later friend 2 dropped dead to their utter delight.
One person said you are much more beautiful than Cinderella. The next day, you're in court and Cinderella is the witness.
(P.S. she was born to be a drama queen.)
Why do orphans like families? Because they wish they had one.