Occupation jokes
What’s a rapper’s favorite tool?
A mic wrench.
Why did the rapper become a locksmith?
Because he always had the KEYS!
What do you call a rapper who can’t rap?
A wrapper with no FILLING.
Why did the rapper become a beekeeper?
Because he wanted to make some HONEY FLOWS.
Therapists are rapists in disguise, because "the rapist".
Your forehead is so big, Mr. Clean thought he would hire you!
What do dentists play at their practice?
Dental records.
Sailors are coming onto the boardwalk and are met by Colonel Sanders. He asks them, "What is your occupation?" They respond, "We are seamen." So he says, "Well, you better wash up 'cause I'm finger lickin' good!"
What kind of vegetable makes the best receptionist?
Cauliflower.
What's white, yellow and goes 40 mph?
A train driver's egg sandwich.
Why are the people that get your order at restaurants called waiters? They don't wait for the food; we wait for the food. They should be called "note takers." They take notes for food.
Why didn't the pirate write a letter to his mom?
Are you kidding me?!?
Your mom is so fat, they asked if she was a sumo wrestler.
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
He was outstanding in his field!
I think I might apply for a job cleaning mirrors.
It’s a job I can see myself doing.
What do you call a school bus driver that cannot walk? A silly school bus driver!
I'll pat-your-breasts, pat-your-breasts, cos I'm a baker's man, and you bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I'll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", and then put you in the oven for the bitch and me!
I found an alien in my backyard. I put him to work. He went to a farm, and I never saw him again. Moments later, he is on the Daily Planet acting as a reporter. A green rock smashed my house. I called him back, and he passed out.
I remarked, "You lazy!"
What do you call an alligator detective??
An investi-gator.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed a politician in the jungle yesterday?
I hear it hurt like hell.