Object jokes
Knock, knock? Who's there? A mirror, I'm lonely.
I threw a lamp at the depressed kid. I was just trying to brighten up his day.
One day, a kid walks up to their mom and asks, "Why is my name Daisy?" The mom's reply is, "Because when you were born, a daisy landed on your head." The second kid asks, "Why is my name Butterfly?" The mom's reply is, "Because when you were born, a butterfly landed on your head." Then you hear, "Ooooooooohahbfisbfsdkf."
"Shut up, Brick!"
The average stripper weighs 112 lbs.
According to the pole 💈.
You wanna know why I hate circles so much? They’re just so pointless! But I guess that’s how they roll.
Relatable
What's the difference between a knife and me?
One has a point.
What did the pencil say to the piece of paper? You FLAT.
What did the spoon say to the pancake batter? You THICK.
What's the difference between a truck full of babies and a truck full of bowling balls?
You can only unload one of them with a pitch fork.
What did the farmer say to the doll?
You death baby doll.
I gave my friend some paper. It cut his wrists.
What's red and white and goes 250 miles per hour?
A baby in a blender ;)
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
How do you fit a baby in a glass?
A blender.
How do you get it out?
Explosives!
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?
Reload and keep shooting.
What’s the difference between an orphan and a watermelon? One of them is fun to hit with a sledge hammer and the other one is just a watermelon.
Can I watch you?
Yes, you can watch me your watch.
No, I mean can I WATCH you?
I don't get it. 😑 *facepalm*.
OOOOOOH YOU MEAN WATCH WITH YOUR EYES! YES!
A penguin and a polar bear are sitting in a bathtub. The penguin asks the polar bear, "Hey, can you pass the soap?" The polar bear obliges.
A few moments later, the penguin asks, "Hey, can you pass the scrubber?" The polar bear does. Shortly after that, the penguin says, "Hey, can you pass the rubber ducky?"
The polar bear, beginning to become upset, turns to the penguin and says, "What do you think I am? A radio?!"
What is tall when it's young but short when it's old?
A candle or a pencil!
I have a stepladder. My real ladder left for milk and never came back.
what was sally's role in a football game? the football ;-;