What's brown and rather bad for your dental health?
- A baseball bat.
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew the lightbulb.
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
What's the difference between a man and a table?
The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow, but when I woke up, my pillow was gone!
What does your mom and a slinky have in common?
They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.
Why did Mary fall off the swings?
She got hit by a refrigerator.
What do you call a boomerang that never comes back?
Daddy.
What's the difference between a baby and a ball?
If you inflate the ball, it won't explode.
I never knew how to use a boomerang, until it hit me.
What's the difference between a baby and putty?
You can only eat one.
Why did Sarah fall off the swing? She had no arms.
What did Sarah get for Christmas? I dunno, she hasn't opened it yet.
Knock knock...
Who's there?
Not Sarah.
What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One smashes open when you hit it with a sledgehammer, and the other is a watermelon.
Yo mama is so ugly, the sunglasses walked away.
How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger... then it hit me.
How do you fit 15 babies into a shoe box?
A blender.
How do you get them out of the shoe box? A straw.
What objects have the most gravitational force?
A Lambo and a gold digger.
I rolled over a log and underneath was a tiny little stick, and I was like, "That log had a child!"
That joke and paper have one thing in common: they're both tearable.
