Object jokes
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because she was crummy.
What did the toilet say to the other toilet? You look flushed.
What has 1 head, 1 foot, and 4 legs? A bed.
What's the difference between you and a fridge? The fridge doesn't moan when I put my meat in.
What does a baby and a hand grenade have in common?
They both make noise when you throw them.
What's the difference between a dick and a rock?
One's hard.
Have any of you guys heard the classic airplane jokes? Here's a good example...
A farmer, a doctor, and a terrorist are on a plane. An engine fails, and they are going to crash, so the pilot asks everyone to throw out some items. The farmer threw out his apple harvest, the doctor threw out medical supplies, and the terrorist, (not needing a bomb apparently) threw out his briefcase of bombs. They still crashed, and they started walking to the nearest town. They passed a boy who was running. "Why are you running?"
"My dad got hit by a shiny red object and now he's bleeding!"
They three of them decide it's best to keep quiet, and continue. They then passed a crying girl, who said that her brother had been killed by a scalpel from heaven. They said nothing and continued. Finally, they see a boy laughing so much he is in tears. They ask him, "What's so funny?"
"Grandma farted and the house blew up!"
What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?
A dildo.
How do you get a light bulb horny? You turn it on!
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Your forehead is so clear, like the Liberty Bell manual in 1876.
Why do orphans like boomerangs?
Because then they can play catch.
I think I am a boomerang because I always come back to you.
What is this?
An emo and a leaf fall from a tree, which hits the ground first?
The leaf, because the emo got caught by the rope.
What's long, hard, and slimy?
A bar of soap.
What kind of paper gets stuck to your foot?
DUH! A sticker.
Why do orphans love boomerangs?
Because they come back.
What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and a boomerang?
The boomerang is guaranteed to come back.
How do you fit a baby in a glass?
A blender.
How do you get it out?
Explosives!
What is the difference between me and a knife?
The knife has a point.
Yo mama so ugly, she looked in the mirror and it broke.