Not jokes

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

Braille is not that hard to learn, you just got to have a feel for it.

"If all of these structures break we will all die."

And I said, "Hey, that is not supportive!"

And he said, "It would be breaking news."

What’s the difference between cereal and a baby?

I personally think cereal is not nutritious.

This text does not contain a joke.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

It's best not to say "Hail Satan" because he can't control the weather!

Why are orphans not allowed in stores?

Because else they would actually feel at home.

I have OCD and ADD, so everything had to be perfect...but not for long.

A man walks into a store and orders 2 large chips. They give them to him and he says:

"I ordered 2 large chips, not 100 little ones!"

Why is the Reaper not funny at all?

Well, he tells dead jokes!

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Are you getting tired of life? Yes? Then call 180 go fuck yourself.

It's not our problem.com That's 180 go fuck yourself it's not our problem.com

Why is it okay to bully an orphan?

It’s not like they could tell their parents.

A suicide bomber's biggest fear is not exploding.

I'm not saying you're stupid.

But you're the reason plastic bags come with the warning, "Do not place over head!"

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.

Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?

A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.

It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.

You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?

When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...

...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)

There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”

The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”

The third blonde says “so we go at night.”