Not jokes
Why is the Reaper not funny at all?
Well, he tells dead jokes!
It's best not to say "Hail Satan" because he can't control the weather!
I have OCD and ADD, so everything had to be perfect...but not for long.
Why are orphans not allowed in stores?
Because else they would actually feel at home.
I ran into a dwarf, and he said, “Well, I’m not happy.”
Me: Then which one are you?
Memes
A man walks into a store and orders 2 large chips. They give them to him and he says:
"I ordered 2 large chips, not 100 little ones!"
I'm not saying you're annoying. But if rectal herpes were a person, it would be you.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock, knock.
Not Sally.
Why do women love Chinese food? Because WON TON spelled backward is NOT NOW!
Your mom checked for your hairline, but she could not find it.
What's the difference between a gun and a penis?
The American government does not define you as having the constitutional right to a penis.
Her: "Land of the free".
Me: *fat*
Her: What do you mean?
Me: It's not fat-free.
"You may not rest, there are monsters nearby."
-Sun Tzu, The Art of War.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not your parents.
Yo mama so fat when the doctor saw her weight on the scale he said, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"
How to not exist: Kys.
Why'd the girl fall off the swing?
'Cause she had no arms.
Knock, knock!! Who's there?
Not the girl.
Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?
Doctor: Yep.
Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.
Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.
Are you getting tired of life? Yes? Then call 180 go fuck yourself.
It's not our problem.com That's 180 go fuck yourself it's not our problem.com
“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.
I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”