Not jokes

What did the mama moose say to the calf after it got on her nerves?

"I'm not a-moosed right now."

Yo mama so fat the scale said, "I need your weight, not your phone number."

If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

Why couldn't Stephen Hawking pass? Because he couldn't pass "I'm not a robot" test.

I have a daily routine where I take a crap every morning at 6 AM, but wake up at 7 AM. And it's not even a joke.

Why didn’t the turkey cross the road?

To prove that he was not chicken.

FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.

Puns about air conditioning. I'm not a fan.

You need to play a B flat, not a C sharp, you just got band!

Stephen Hawking's not dead, he is just in airplane mode.

A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied, “Okay cool, now I’m going to go sue Thin Mints for not making me thin.”

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

No one:

Nothing:

Not a single f***ing soul:

Spanish Empire: DING DONG YOUR RELIGION IS WRONG!

I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today, so I asked her, "When's it due?"

She replied, "I'm not fucking pregnant, you rude prick!"

I said, "I meant the bus, you fat cunt!"

Little Johnny: Hey, Dad, are you finally back with the milk?

Dad: Yea, but it's expired, so I'm going back to the "milk store" and get more (and not come back for a couple more years). :)

Why didn't the Twin Towers order cheese pizza?

They like pepperoni, not plane!

Twinkle, twinkle, there’s a car Coming like a shooting star.

I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.

What do you say to a crippled man getting bullied?

"Why not you stand up for yourself?"

You know how all zodiacs have hairstyles... well not Cancers.

If you have a teacher who is a Karen, comment what the worst thing that they did to you or your entire class. I know this isn’t a joke, but why not?