Not jokes

So, I was at the gas station drinking a Slurpee when I heard an old lady start talking to me. She says, "Hey, can you check my balance?" so she could buy a chocolate bar.

So, I pushed her over and said, "Not much."

What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person?

I'd ask what's up, but it's definitely not you!

It’s not cheating if you’re all siblings.

I might not be able to make my bed, but at least I can get out of it.

No one:

Nothing:

Not a single f***ing soul:

Spanish Empire: DING DONG YOUR RELIGION IS WRONG!

Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.

I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today, so I asked her, "When's it due?"

She replied, "I'm not fucking pregnant, you rude prick!"

I said, "I meant the bus, you fat cunt!"

I'm not saying I'm ugly...

But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.

What did the mama moose say to the calf after it got on her nerves?

"I'm not a-moosed right now."

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not your parents :) so kawaii fr.

How is sex like air?

It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.

There never was a historical Jesus Christ. Hey, do not even dream of crucifying me.

Dark humor is like water; not everyone gets it.

They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.

It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.

I am not making a noose; I am making an unsubscribe button for life.

What’s the best cure for not wanting to go to work?

Suicide.

Remember, the confession booth is not a glory hole.

What do an orphan and an apple not have in common?

The apple actually gets picked.

Why didn’t the turkey cross the road?

To prove that he was not chicken.