Not jokes

Al Fayed’s son arrives at heaven’s gates and sees his driver.

He shouts “you stupid cunt!”

The driver says, “Watch, Boss?”

Dodi replies...:

“I said I WANT TO FUCK DI IN THE TUNNEL NOT FUCKING DIE IN THE TUNNEL!”

Aloneness is not the joke, it's unfortunately my reality.

Two friends are arguing and one friend says, "Jason Warhis is not afraid of water and not ifs, ands, or buts about it."

And the other friend says, "Butt he is."

I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said, "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years." I walked away shocked but not surprised.

My mom told me, "You son of a b!tch." I told her, "I may be a son of a b!ch but at least I am not the bitch." She hated me forever.

I ran into a dwarf, and he said, “Well, I’m not happy.”

Me: Then which one are you?

I’m not calling you a slut, I’m calling you a penny.

Two-faced, worthless, and in everyone’s pants!

Why do orphans go to church?

Not because they are religious, because they want someone to call father.

What do you call an Asian who gets a B?

It's not a B-sian.

Dead.

Guys, I promise I’m not suicidal, I just like dark things.

*proceeds to walk around the house with headphones in and stare at the ceiling while laying down on the couch*

Who is not hungry in Africa?

A dead person.

If you hate what you hear from Nickelback, at least you can get your nickel back.

If you have to deal with the noise from Deftones... unfortunately, not only are you unable to obtain any refund, but you may have become permanently deaf.

Tons of people committed suicide on 9/11 by destroying government property.

Not to mention and by plane.

How to not exist: Kys.

Why'd the girl fall off the swing?

'Cause she had no arms.

Knock, knock!! Who's there?

Not the girl.

I’m not a weatherman, but I’m expecting a few more inches tonight.

What does a knife have but not my life...

A point.

Why did the orphan cry when he got back home?

Because he did not have one.

Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?

Doctor: Yep.

Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.

Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.

Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love.

Man: I wish not to die a virgin.

Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality!