Not jokes

My mom told me, "You son of a b!tch." I told her, "I may be a son of a b!ch but at least I am not the bitch." She hated me forever.

This text does not contain a joke.

What’s the difference between cereal and a baby?

I personally think cereal is not nutritious.

Why are orphans not allowed in stores?

Because else they would actually feel at home.

A man walks into a store and orders 2 large chips. They give them to him and he says:

"I ordered 2 large chips, not 100 little ones!"

I ran into a dwarf, and he said, “Well, I’m not happy.”

Me: Then which one are you?

Why is the Reaper not funny at all?

Well, he tells dead jokes!

Why do orphans go to church?

Not because they are religious, because they want someone to call father.

It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.

You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?

When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...

...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)

There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”

The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”

The third blonde says “so we go at night.”

Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."

What is a yellow dog Libertarian?

A yellow dog Libertarian is a Libertarian who is blindly loyal to the Libertarian Party, he or she who is a yellow dog Libertarian is a card carrying member of the Libertarian Party who would not vote for a progressive Democrat or a conservative Republican even if their life depended on it! 🐕 🗽

Dark humor and women are very similar...

Not everyone appreciates them, but they both give everyone something to make fun of.

What do a 9V battery and a butthole have in common?

We know we’re not supposed to put our tongue on them, but we do it anyway.

It's not incest if you're adopted.

Cops have the hardest job, they have to tell women they have the right to remain silent and know damn well, she will not have the ability

Why can't orphans be criminals?

Because they're not wanted.

Why are Black women dating white men?

So their kids don’t have to worry about not meeting their father.

Canada being the most educated country in the world is bemusing, considering that Canadians cannot spell "legalise" and "programme" correctly.

Oh, and most of them do not realise that it's day-month-year, NOT month-day-year.

What is the same between water and dark jokes?

Not everyone gets it!