Not jokes

Why are orphans not allowed in stores?

Because else they would actually feel at home.

A man walks into a store and orders 2 large chips. They give them to him and he says:

"I ordered 2 large chips, not 100 little ones!"

What’s the difference between cereal and a baby?

I personally think cereal is not nutritious.

"If all of these structures break we will all die."

And I said, "Hey, that is not supportive!"

And he said, "It would be breaking news."

Braille is not that hard to learn, you just got to have a feel for it.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

I'm not saying you're annoying. But if rectal herpes were a person, it would be you.

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Knock, knock.

Not Sally.

Why do women love Chinese food? Because WON TON spelled backward is NOT NOW!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.

What do you call a German that can not see?

A Not-see.

Who is not hungry in Africa?

A dead person.

Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?

A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.

Tons of people committed suicide on 9/11 by destroying government property.

Not to mention and by plane.

If you hate what you hear from Nickelback, at least you can get your nickel back.

If you have to deal with the noise from Deftones... unfortunately, not only are you unable to obtain any refund, but you may have become permanently deaf.

It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.

You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?

When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...

...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)

There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”

The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”

The third blonde says “so we go at night.”

Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."

What is a yellow dog Libertarian?

A yellow dog Libertarian is a Libertarian who is blindly loyal to the Libertarian Party, he or she who is a yellow dog Libertarian is a card carrying member of the Libertarian Party who would not vote for a progressive Democrat or a conservative Republican even if their life depended on it! 🐕 🗽

Dark humor and women are very similar...

Not everyone appreciates them, but they both give everyone something to make fun of.