Not jokes
What does a knife have but not my life...
A point.
“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.
I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”
Why is it okay to bully an orphan?
It’s not like they could tell their parents.
Why did the orphan cry when he got back home?
Because he did not have one.
Why do women love Chinese food? Because WON TON spelled backward is NOT NOW!
Memes
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock, knock.
Not Sally.
Why do orphans go to church?
Not because they are religious, because they want someone to call father.
A suicide bomber's biggest fear is not exploding.
What's the difference between a school in Pakistan and an Al Qaeda base?
Not too sure. I just fly the drone.
What do you call an Asian who gets a B?
It's not a B-sian.
Dead.
I’m not a weatherman, but I’m expecting a few more inches tonight.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.
Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.
I'm not saying you're annoying. But if rectal herpes were a person, it would be you.
What do you call a German that can not see?
A Not-see.
If you hate what you hear from Nickelback, at least you can get your nickel back.
If you have to deal with the noise from Deftones... unfortunately, not only are you unable to obtain any refund, but you may have become permanently deaf.
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
Tons of people committed suicide on 9/11 by destroying government property.
Not to mention and by plane.
Guys, I promise I’m not suicidal, I just like dark things.
*proceeds to walk around the house with headphones in and stare at the ceiling while laying down on the couch*
It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.
You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?
When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...
...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)
There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”
The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”
The third blonde says “so we go at night.”