Not jokes

A guy asked me what I do for a living.

Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"

"Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate."

"Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop, When the wind blows, the baby will drop. Then the baby will lay on the ground, Not moving a muscle, not making a sound."

Why did the chiropractor go to jail? For not paying $75 in back taxes.

It's best not to say "Hail Satan" because he can't control the weather!

I have OCD and ADD, so everything had to be perfect...but not for long.

What happened to the chicken after he died? He did not say anything, so I don't know.

My mom told me, "You son of a b!tch." I told her, "I may be a son of a b!ch but at least I am not the bitch." She hated me forever.

This text does not contain a joke.

What’s the difference between cereal and a baby?

I personally think cereal is not nutritious.

Why are orphans not allowed in stores?

Because else they would actually feel at home.

A man walks into a store and orders 2 large chips. They give them to him and he says:

"I ordered 2 large chips, not 100 little ones!"

I ran into a dwarf, and he said, “Well, I’m not happy.”

Me: Then which one are you?

Why is the Reaper not funny at all?

Well, he tells dead jokes!

It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.

You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?

When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...

...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)

There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”

The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”

The third blonde says “so we go at night.”

Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."

What is a yellow dog Libertarian?

A yellow dog Libertarian is a Libertarian who is blindly loyal to the Libertarian Party, he or she who is a yellow dog Libertarian is a card carrying member of the Libertarian Party who would not vote for a progressive Democrat or a conservative Republican even if their life depended on it! 🐕 🗽

Dark humor and women are very similar...

Not everyone appreciates them, but they both give everyone something to make fun of.

What do a 9V battery and a butthole have in common?

We know we’re not supposed to put our tongue on them, but we do it anyway.