Not jokes
Don't be sad, because that's das backwards and das not good.
Dark humor is just like food, not everybody gets it.
Why is it that the Libertarian Party never had a formal president of the United States that ran as a Libertarian that had a presidential library?
Because the Libertarian Party is the party of principle. The Libertarian Party was founded in 1971 and the Libertarian Party has not won a presidential election since 1972, because the Libertarian Party doesn't believe in using force to achieve political and social goals.
Me: Help, I'm stuck in a trap.
Friend: What kind?
Me: It's called life. Yeah, I've been trying to get out of it for six years now, it just won't let me go.
Friend: That's not funny..
Me: Yeah? Nor is wanting to die, yet I'm still over here laughing every time I try to.
Friend: I'm calling your mom.
Me: She knows.
Friend: What's she doing to help, then?
Me: She's supposed to help?
Friend: Have you told your dad?
Me: I will when he comes back.
Friend: Where is he?
Me: I don't know, he's been gone for 15 years.
Friend: ....
Me: What?
Friend: Why?
Me: Why what?
Friend: Why would you joke like that?
Me: I was joking..
Friend: I know.
Me: Oh. I didn't know.
Friend:...
Me: Have a nice day, I'll see you tomorrow... Maybe...
Wife: Stop telling rape jokes, it's not funny. Husband: Who raped you this morning?
A Japanese, Hispanic, and Iraqi man are in a plane. The Japanese man drops a bowl off of it and shouts "I love my country!" Then the Hispanic man drops a burrito off the side and shouts, "I love my country!" Finally, the Iraqi man drops a bomb and shouts, "I love my country!"
Not much longer on, a man walks by a boy who is sitting by a crater laughing non-stop. And the man asks, "What's so funny?" And the boy says "When I farted, my house blew up!"
People joke about 9/11, but it's not funny. My dad died in 9/11. Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.
Lenin was on his deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side.
Lenin says: "What are you going to do after I die? They might not follow you."
Stalin responds: "Then they'll follow you."
Why did Johnny not like the audiobook he got for his birthday?
Johnny was deaf.
Why did Sally fall off the swings?
She had no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
I know this is a really bad poem, but I'll do it anyway 'cause I have nothing else to do.
'Twas so pretty a night, with people all asleep. Everyone's dreaming of that candy apple treat, and a palace. But alas! No, it's all a dream. Even eating ice cream, it's all a dream! Why can't I have this? Why can't I have that? BUT NO! It's just hitting you like a bat. YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE IT, you say to yourself. All for me, all for me, and et cetera. It goes on and on. But why wish for riches? You're already rich enough. If you have a device, then take my advise, if you were poor you would have spent the money on food, like honey, not something that... OF ALL THINGS IS GOOGLE!
Like I said, it's really bad. :(
I got a heart pain then I went to [the] hospital. When the doctor says I am dead, but I run then I jump. I am not dead!
Puns about air conditioning. I'm not a fan.
Your hairline sucks; even Harry Potter could not put it under a spell to turn it back to order.
"Ur Grandma" You think you're funny? Well, sorry, but you're not.
Depressed people have beautiful smiles. Okay, it's not a joke for normal people, but it's a joke for us.
Why did the fire not burn the kid? Because it had no lips.
True story: In 1986, in the midst of the HIV epidemic, they made condoms available to the public. At that time, me and my boyfriend were 13 years old. My boyfriend was so happy: "These will make great water balloons!" And I was even happier. I did not have to pack a lunch for school tomorrow, lol.
Why did Michael Jackson die?
Because I have a new phone number, and he does not know.
Why do orphans not play sport?
Because they need parents' permission.