Not jokes
Roses are red, violets are blue. You belong in a zoo, but don't worry, I'll be there too. Just not in a cage, I'll be laughing at you.
Sally fell off the swing.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Not Sally.
Why can’t Germans call a taxi? *does taxi calling motion*
I call this my great talk with Siri.
Me: Hey Siri, give me a "yo mama" joke.
Siri: My mother? Huh?
Me: Did I stutter?
Siri: Interesting question.
Me: It wasn’t a question.
Siri: I’m not sure I understand?
Me: You should understand.
Siri: Hmm... Is there something else I can help with?
Me: No, you b***.
"Rajesh get on bus, so many people, squeeze here squeeze there. He daydream about naughty stuff, like coffee spill but not coffee. Bus move, stop, he press close to pretty lady, she smell nice. Rajesh think how funny if something else spill, make whole bus ride wild." He laugh to self, bus ride never boring now!
I can’t remember if I already said this or not. I might have already said this. Also, this is a true story.
So, I’m walking into a store in Amish country, and there’s this guy with a bear trap. Then my mom’s friend says, "This guy’s gonna catch some bears." Then the Amish guy stops, looks around, and whispers, “It’s for democrats.”
If you are friendly on a game, should I will kill you in the game? You should say, "Will, if you did kill me, I will tell my more friendly to ban you from the game." The friendly should [ask], "What you got?" Friendly on the game [replies], "Jack, you are not my friendly, the all friendly you be ban, if you don't get it, will have fun." If you don't like the text, I am come for you. Ok, now like it, the end.
Suzy: How did Jonah fit in the whale?
Teacher: Whales are very big but have small mouths, so Jonah did not actually fit in the whale.
Suzy: Well, the Bible says he did.
Teacher: He did not.
Suzy: When I get to heaven I will ask him how he fit in.
Teacher: How do you know he went to heaven? Maybe he went to hell.
Suzy: Then you can ask him.
Why don't rappers ever gamble?
Because they're always dropping beats, not bets.
Leo must be a parking ticket... not because of the “fine” thing, nah, it’s because she’s OVERSTAYED her WELCOME.
I may not be your cup of tea, but I am definitely your 10th shot of tequila.
Yo mama so fat when she steps on the scale it says, "We want your weight not your phone number."
If a dog is white with black spots, then it is 90% great and 10% guilty because it half way starts crimes and is a mistake to the world and is punished by the white dogs that are full white and not mixed colors.
Why don’t autistic people like Autism Speaks?
They’re jealous that autism can speak.
(This is not meant to be triggering, sorry if it is).
My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.
A guy jumped out of the Twin Towers, saying, "I ordered pepperoni pizza, not a plane!"
Why did Sally not come home from school today?
Because she got hit by a bus.
Why did Sally not come home from school today?
Because she died by a flying brick!
What do renovators and lesbians have in common?
They're both not interested in exposed wood, apparently.
I'm not saying you're annoying.
But if a yeast infection were a person, it would be you.