Not jokes

My dustbin's absolutely full of toadstools!

How do you know it's full?

Because there's not mushroom inside.

9/11 was a round of Clash of Clans; they knocked down 2 towers, not 3.

Your mom does not need the internet. She's already worldwide.

Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad. Wife: No, you’re not.

Yo mama is so fat when she stepped on the scale, it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"

Too many people.

Not enough VooDoo dolls.

This is two heads.

Deaf. "Deep water." ""

- "78 years."

Are you interested again? ""

"If you go ... you are there."

"No. 85 is good."

What is the most important value? It does not take cheese.

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

Why was the math book sad?

Because it had too many PROBLEMS and not enough RAP.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.

When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant:

Did you get seafood without me? It smells like fish.

"When I heard that not arguing or fighting in a relationship represents a lack of interest, that's when my girlfriend started missing her makeup box."

Why can lesbians not drive cars?

They always strap the wrong thing on.

Slade must be WiFi... because I’m not feeling a CONNECTION.

What do asses and secrets have in common?

Both are better when not leaked!

Why can’t Germans call a taxi? *does taxi calling motion*

I call this my great talk with Siri.

Me: Hey Siri, give me a "yo mama" joke.

Siri: My mother? Huh?

Me: Did I stutter?

Siri: Interesting question.

Me: It wasn’t a question.

Siri: I’m not sure I understand?

Me: You should understand.

Siri: Hmm... Is there something else I can help with?

Me: No, you b***.

"Rajesh get on bus, so many people, squeeze here squeeze there. He daydream about naughty stuff, like coffee spill but not coffee. Bus move, stop, he press close to pretty lady, she smell nice. Rajesh think how funny if something else spill, make whole bus ride wild." He laugh to self, bus ride never boring now!

I can’t remember if I already said this or not. I might have already said this. Also, this is a true story.

So, I’m walking into a store in Amish country, and there’s this guy with a bear trap. Then my mom’s friend says, "This guy’s gonna catch some bears." Then the Amish guy stops, looks around, and whispers, “It’s for democrats.”

If you are friendly on a game, should I will kill you in the game? You should say, "Will, if you did kill me, I will tell my more friendly to ban you from the game." The friendly should [ask], "What you got?" Friendly on the game [replies], "Jack, you are not my friendly, the all friendly you be ban, if you don't get it, will have fun." If you don't like the text, I am come for you. Ok, now like it, the end.