Not jokes

I have one policy, and that is to not make fun of black people.

Sorry, Jesus. You were white in the Bible pictures.

Most of the people here: That's not funny, lots of people died.

Bruh, why are you in here if you can't take a joke?

Why were 9/11 victims so mad?

They ordered three pepperoni pizzas, not two planes!

Want to watch Titanic?

No, I'm not on board for it.

Me: Mom, stop, you are not funny. You never make jokes.

Mom: I made you.

Donald Trump is a good president and not a complete moron.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, You are so ugly, Do not tell me that is really you.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

I'm not fat!!

I'm a Nutritional Overachiever.

Society: :-) I: :') Society: you're doing it WRONG. It's :-) not :') I: :'D

Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.

Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.

(BILL is sitting in the waiting room, fidgeting with his tie. MR. SMITH enters with a clipboard.)

MR. SMITH: (sternly) Good morning, Bill. Ready for your interview?

BILL: (nervously) Uh, yes, sir! I’ve prepared a lot for this!

MR. SMITH: (raising an eyebrow) Great! Let’s start with an easy question. Why do you want this job?

BILL: (confidently) Well, I want to help your company succeed! I believe in hard work and dedication!

MR. SMITH: (nods) Good to hear. Now, what’s your biggest weakness?

BILL: (eyes widening) I tend to be overly honest.

MR. SMITH: (leaning in) That’s not really a weakness.

BILL: (smirking) I don’t care what you think!

(MR. SMITH pauses, surprised, then bursts out laughing.)

MR. SMITH: (laughing) Okay, you’re hired! We need more honesty around here!

Mom: It's time for sleep.

Baby: Is that what you think, huh?

Mom: *gives baby pacifier*

Baby: Nice try, hobo.

Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.

*few hours later*

Baby: *still awake*

Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!

Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.

Beautiful people should read this quote: "God gave you beauty but not brains."

How do you know your baby is dead?

It stopped screaming after not feeding the bastard for a month.

How do you turn a cat into a fish?

Tell your girl not to wash down there.

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

Teacher: Tim, where are your parents? It's been 15 minutes!

Tim (Orphan): Yeah um, they can't come.

Teacher: Why not?

Tim: They're too busy working in heaven.

Best not leave hungry kids unattended!

Me: You stupid. Guy: You straight. Me: Sorry, I'm not a mirror.