Not jokes
What does "bitch" mean?
Son asked father, father said it means "you're handsome." Son said, "OK, you're a bitch." Father: "Of course not, I'm not a bitch!"
Why couldn't Stephen Hawking pass? Because he couldn't pass "I'm not a robot" test.
Puns about air conditioning. I'm not a fan.
I have a daily routine where I take a crap every morning at 6 AM, but wake up at 7 AM. And it's not even a joke.
So, you're human, huh? Well, I'm a skeleton, so not much gets under my skin.
Memes
I gave an orphan an iPhone XR because it does not have a home button.
Ok, this is a texting joke. This isn't my joke; I found it on Google.
Mom: SON YOURE G-MOM JUST PASSED AWAY lol
Son: Mom, how is that funny?!?! I hope you're not laughing!
Mom: OH NO I THOUGHT LOL MEANT LAUGHING OUT LOUD
Why didn’t the turkey cross the road?
To prove that he was not chicken.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, I'm not.
You need to play a B flat, not a C sharp, you just got band!
Stephen Hawking's not dead, he is just in airplane mode.
FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.
Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?
Doctor: To the morgue.
Man: But I’m not dead yet.
Doctor: Are we there yet?
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"
-not my joke
What did the mama moose say to the calf after it got on her nerves?
"I'm not a-moosed right now."
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Yo mama so fat the scale said, "I need your weight, not your phone number."
Why did the toilet paper not make it across the road?
Because it got stuck in the crack.
People always often say to someone who are thinking about suicide that's the easy way out. Don't give up! All I say is I'm not giving up, just I'm giving in, and does it really seem like it's the easiest way out? I don't think so, it's probably the hardest if you ask me, or I would have done it already, but someone's got to do it.
The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.
One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”
“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”
“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”