Not jokes
What is the difference between a suicidal person and you? You're not dead.
Do you know what the equivalent to hell is these days?
1. Listening to your teacher.
2. Not having your phone/game/TV.
3. Not having nicotine.
Why did Sally drop her ice cream?
Because she got hit by a bus.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied, “Okay cool, now I’m going to go sue Thin Mints for not making me thin.”
What does "bitch" mean?
Son asked father, father said it means "you're handsome." Son said, "OK, you're a bitch." Father: "Of course not, I'm not a bitch!"
Memes
Why couldn't Stephen Hawking pass? Because he couldn't pass "I'm not a robot" test.
Puns about air conditioning. I'm not a fan.
I have a daily routine where I take a crap every morning at 6 AM, but wake up at 7 AM. And it's not even a joke.
So, you're human, huh? Well, I'm a skeleton, so not much gets under my skin.
I gave an orphan an iPhone XR because it does not have a home button.
Ok, this is a texting joke. This isn't my joke; I found it on Google.
Mom: SON YOURE G-MOM JUST PASSED AWAY lol
Son: Mom, how is that funny?!?! I hope you're not laughing!
Mom: OH NO I THOUGHT LOL MEANT LAUGHING OUT LOUD
Why didn’t the turkey cross the road?
To prove that he was not chicken.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, I'm not.
You need to play a B flat, not a C sharp, you just got band!
Stephen Hawking's not dead, he is just in airplane mode.
FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.
Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?
Doctor: To the morgue.
Man: But I’m not dead yet.
Doctor: Are we there yet?
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"
-not my joke
What did the mama moose say to the calf after it got on her nerves?
"I'm not a-moosed right now."
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.