News jokes
How do you know when a fat person stops eating? You read about it in the obituary.
What's black and white and red all over? An American School.
Breaking news: Man with Alzheimer's forgets he's blind and recovers from visual impairment.
White comedy week:
Monster Truck Monday
Trailer Park Tuesday
White Trash Wednesday
Take Your Sister Out Thursday
Fox News Friday
Storm the Capitol Saturday
Say You’re Sorry Sunday
A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"
A news headline read: "A toddler has shot a person every week in the US for two years straight."
He was in the infantry.
What does 2016 and 2020 have in common?
A monkey caused worldwide outrage.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Good news, people! Michael Jackson is still alive. They found him hidden away in a goat pen with all the kids!
I was gonna tell a rumor about butter, but I don’t want to spread it.
I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...
How do you tell a child they have cancer?
With a smile on your face.
NASA called me and they said they reached your hairline.
Just saw the news that Kobe passed. I guess there's a first for everything.
I saw a helicopter on January 26, 2020. Then Kobe was on the news.
Every kid in a classroom is relevant, because if one of them gets shot, they will all be featured on the news.
Why do depressed people want to kill themselves?
To be loved on the news show for 10 minutes.
"If all of these structures break we will all die."
And I said, "Hey, that is not supportive!"
And he said, "It would be breaking news."
9/11 isn't something we should joke about. Some people can remember where they were when they found out. I'll never forget where I was when I found out.
It was 9:37, September 10th, 2001. I was in a cave in Iraq when my friend Mohammad told me.
Did you hear the news? Michael Jackson died because he choked on 7-year-old nuts and balls.