Newness Jokes

Gow do you keep tour friends from boring you with pictures of their children?

Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news Patient: What's the good news? Doctor: I've got u flowers Patient: Awww, What's the bad news? Doctor: *They're for your grave*

When my dad left he said he would bring back the milk but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him and he said "I used all the milk to make your sister"

HI IM new

I was reading the new and read that a kid killed his family and when they interviewed him he said he wanted to become Batman

So, I heard Bounty, the maker of paper towels, has decided to get into the Male Enhancement business...

..their new slogan?

The Quicker Pecker Upper.

I heard Pixar is releasing a new movie It’s called finding chemo

I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane Man next me said you know we’re going to New York right I told him I just wanna know what I got into

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

A tiny psychic escaped from jail and the news said there a small medium at large.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Don't tell a Titanic joke, or you'll sink to a whole new low.

My friend just got a new house, he told me to make myself at home, so i threw him out. I hate visiters.

Crispy Juicy Tender, I Just Put My New-Born Son In A Blender

Me traveling back in time to tell Americans there will be a big tsunami on 9/11/2001, and to survive it they have to climb the two tallest buildings in New York

Why did the united nations stop the french government from using the guillotine in public? Because the french government was using the guillotine on new born babies for circumcision.

A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it: Doctor: I have good news and bad news Guy" Whats the bad news Doc: They replaced your toe with a piece of candy Guy: Good news? Doc: You now have tic tac toe

Stephen hawking isn’t dead he’s just can’t walk to the shop and get new batteries 🙄

The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below

Trump: I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy Melania: Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy? Ivanka: Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy Pilot: Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?