Newness jokes

My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.

Stephen Hawking isn't dead, he's just can't walk to the shop and get new batteries. 🙄

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

Disney just released a new film about a poor kid with cancer. It’s called Finding Chemo.

The new pandemic is feminism and all kinds of democratic thinking. COVID is a joke compared to these nasty ass diseases.

Has anybody noticed that the New York City football team is the New York Jets? They sure know how to scare the Twin Towers.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Apple made a new product for Chinese people called the iOpener.

I brought a new pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words.

I hope Stephen Hawking's an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-cart.

What commitment does a pimp make to each new hoe he turns out?

Answer: He will always be there for her after the break-in period.

We just got a new chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable.

What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?

Time to get a new watch.

You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"

Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"

Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."

Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".

He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"

Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."

Have you heard of the new sequel to "The Exorcist"?

A woman hires the devil to get a priest out of her son.

Why did Michael Jackson rush to H&M?

They had new Billie Jeans!

New Teacher: "I was an orphan as a kid."

Students: "OOOF"

Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"

Students: "Your Parents."

A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.

The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."

New civil war themed porn title: “Harriet Tubman gets hit with something other than an iron ingot.”