Orphan

Anonymous

New Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: OOF

Teacher: Is anyone missing.

Students: Your Parents

Wife

Scott

**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?

Word

Pistacio

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism

Man

Madison R.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Twin Towers

ninja

What’s Al Quieda’s favorite footbal team?

New York Jets

Puns

Self-made man

I’ve just started a new business making people breathe in large amounts of helium. They all speak very highly of it.

Orphan

BenDover

New Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: OOF

Teacher: Is anyone missing.

Students: Your Parents

Computer

Anonymous

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”

The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, “You can have anything you want.””

The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

Puns

Anonymous

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’ which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

Priest

Raven

Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.

Time

Anonymous

Happy new year 🥳

Orange

Anonymous

In 2016, Americans took Orange is the new Black to a whole other level

Old

Anonymous

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

Wife

Grim Reverberate

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?” He responded with, “The cat is dead.” She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you’ve broken the new slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor things dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?” “She’s playing on the roof.”

Depression

uruncle

whats the one thing me and the new years ball have in common

its not gonna be the only thing falling 50 stories this new years

Allowance

kek

Where are you not allowed to go trick or treating as a ghost? Harlem, New York.

Adoption

LABAN

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

Line

KA

They have a new line of socks for paraplegics.

They are so comfortable they can’t even feel them.

Depression

Being Depressed is gReAT

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain…

Me: So… You’re new? Depression: (I don’t know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading… You know… Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job… Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we’re friends! Me: Interesting… (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it’s problemos) Me: Well I think you’re signed up! I’ll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

Die

Anonymous

Sucks Stephen Hawking died so soon, the new Intel update just came out.

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