Newness jokes
Why did the United Nations stop the French government from using the guillotine in public?
Because the French government was using the guillotine on newborn babies for circumcision.
I like George Floyd's new song. It is really breathtaking.
Twinkle, twinkle little star. I hope I'll get hit by a car. I am not dead yet, I hope I'll die. I hope I'll be born to a new whole life.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Guy: "What's the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: "Good news?"
Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."
Don't tell a Titanic joke, or you'll sink to a whole new low.
Memes
π΅There's a star-man waiting in the skyπ΅
My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
Something you can say at a job interview and during sex:
"Iβm here for the new position?"
So, there's Fred and Frank. Now, they've been friends for years, but Fred, see, he's depressed. Badly.
Either way, so F+F are texting each other, and here's how it goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge too harshly)
Frank: Yo
Fred: Hi...
Frank: U heard about de competition?
Fred: Yeah...
Frank: You wanna hang out?
Fred: .......
Frank: What? I've got some noose (news) for you.
Fred: ...I(
Frank: Fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan, though. We don't wanna be hanging on the end.
Fred: *sigh* You know....you really can't rope me into this competition.
Stephen Hawking isn't dead, he's just can't walk to the shop and get new batteries. π
Did you guys see on the news where they arrested that pervert at the Michaels Crafts store?
He was running around completely naked and had sprinkled glitter all over his testicles. I guess it was pretty nuts.
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that sheβs seeing someone. Itβs either terrible news or great news.
The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just canβt help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.
Disney just released a new film about a poor kid with cancer. Itβs called Finding Chemo.
The new pandemic is feminism and all kinds of democratic thinking. COVID is a joke compared to these nasty ass diseases.
I hope Stephen Hawking's an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-cart.
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Apple made a new product for Chinese people called the iOpener.
What commitment does a pimp make to each new hoe he turns out?
Answer: He will always be there for her after the break-in period.
I brought a new pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words.