Newness Jokes

I like George Floyd's new song. It is really breath taking.

What commitment does a pimp make to each new hoe he turns out?

Answer: He will always be there for her after the break-in period.

I brought a new pen that can write underwater, it can also write other words.

New Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: Damn

Teacher: Is anyone missing.

Students: Your Parents

Has anybody noticed that the New York City football team is the New York Jets? They sure know how to scare the twin towers.

Apple made a new product for Chinese people Called the iopener

I hope stephen hawkings an origen donar bc i need new parts for my go cart

i went to see my dentist and she warned me it was going to hurt. then she told me she was having an affair with my husband. good news though...the cleaning didnt hurt.

I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied "you just ask nicely

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impeccable.

my girlfriends dog died so i got her a new one in replacement and she went off on me and yelled

"What am i supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"

What time is it when it turns 13 O clock?

Time to get a new watch

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Did you guys see on the news where they arrested that pervert at the Michaels Crafts store?? He was running around completely naked and had sprinkled glitter all over his testicles. I guess it was pretty nuts.

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I Wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone, and it turns out he only knows Spanish so When he kept saying "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida." I thought he wanted water, but when I got back with the water he was asleep and now my phone was charged so I translated what he said. And it was "You unplugged my life support", that's when I called the doctor...

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.

Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news. Patient: what's the bad news? Doctor: you have 24 hours to live. Patient: What's the really bad news? Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.