Newness jokes

New civil war themed porn title: “Harriet Tubman gets hit with something other than an iron ingot.”

Happy new year! 🥳

Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. 🙂

Doctor: You need new glasses.

Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.

Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.

🎆 New Year's Eve

Lil Johnny👦: "Every year the same, people always have to start banging before midnight!"

Mom👱🏻‍♀️: "Johnny, would you please leave the bedroom now?"

Dad👨🏻‍🦰: "Son, if you don't leave, it'll bang on your head!"

Did you know that new Teslas don't come with the new car smell?

They come with an Elon Musk.

Did you hear about the new German microwave? It has ten seats in it.

New horror movie idea.

The main character loves anime. The killer yells "Omae wa mou shindeiru." The main character instinctively yells back "NANI???" and is killed.

What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?

I guess orange is the new black.

How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.

What does a broken down vegetable say?

I need new wheels.

So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

Bin Laden’s kid comes sad from school.

“Dad, I got an F in Geography class!”

“Why is that?”

“The teacher asked me what’s the tallest building in New York and I said ‘Empire State Building.’”

Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies, “Let dad handle this one.”

On 9/11, the New Yorks lost to the Jets.

Why are people from New York so bad at chess?

Because they quickly lose two towers (rooks).

I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.

It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!

I got a new Lego airplane set from my friend... oddly, there were also two towers included in the box as well.

I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.

A father bought his depressed son a new house, and then pointing at it, he said, "Hang in there, son!"

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."