Newness Jokes

Stephen hawking isn’t dead he’s just can’t walk to the shop and get new batteries 🙄

New Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: OOOF

Teacher: Is anyone missing.

Students: Your Parents.

I like George Floyd's new song. It is really breath taking.

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

I heard Pixar is releasing a new movie It’s called finding chemo

I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied "you just ask nicely

Has anybody noticed that the New York City football team is the New York Jets? They sure know how to scare the twin towers.

Apple made a new product for Chinese people Called the iopener

I hope stephen hawkings an origen donar bc i need new parts for my go cart

New Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: Damn

Teacher: Is anyone missing.

Students: Your Parents

What commitment does a pimp make to each new hoe he turns out?

Answer: He will always be there for her after the break-in period.

I brought a new pen that can write underwater, it can also write other words.

What time is it when it turns 13 O clock?

Time to get a new watch

my girlfriends dog died so i got her a new one in replacement and she went off on me and yelled

"What am i supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"

We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impeccable.

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?

Neither has he.

You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an exposition to the Amazon Forest. After a while they get lost. So as they are walking suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says "Hey, your in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy so we will let you choose how you die." The man from France said, "bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "bring me the gun" And the man from New York said, "bring me a fork" The guy was confused with the fork but still brought it the items and gave it to them. The guy from France said, "for the France!" And drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, "long live the queen!" And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said "MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS"

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?” He responded with, “The cat is dead.” She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you’ve broken the new slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor things dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?” “She’s playing on the roof.”