Newness jokes

I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.

Today, I invented a new word: "plagiarism."

What does a news anchor cow say for the weekly broadcast?

"Here's the beef of the week!"

When the C.I.A. raided Osama Bin Laden’s house, they found Steam on his computer. This means he was a gamer. He raged a little too hard and went for New York.

Why are they called "breaking news" in the entire world?

Because they are breaking the whole entire news.

So I saw a bag full of children near a dumpster. I guess we know where the orphans are when the parents didn’t want them.

Wouldn’t want to hope a Catholic priest comes along, otherwise the priest will have new sex toys.

New teacher: "I was an orphan when I was young."

Student: "But!"

Teacher: "Is something missing?"

Student: "Your parents!"

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my New Year's resolution.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

These jokes are old, come up with something new!

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

A man had moved to a new country with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there, telling them he wanted his dog to be groomed.

The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours." So the man left and came back a couple hours later. When he asked about his dog, he was given a box of jerky. He found out "Happy Dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.

I was finally released from jail a year after I beat up someone on New Year’s Eve.

Don’t blame me for being suspicious of an Arabian counting down from ten.

Did you hear on the news that a midget psychic broke out of jail?

There is a small medium at large.

But she hasn't tried the position with her new boyfriend, so she invites him to a romantic dinner.

After dinner, she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it, but her boyfriend was clueless about such acts, so she tells him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 position. She starts sucking him off and starts waiting for him to do the same, but the bf didn't know what to do, so he just lay there. Suddenly, the girl had an urge to fart but held it in because her asshole was right near his bf's face. Suddenly, she loses control and lets one out. She apologizes profusely and continues sucking him. A couple of minutes later, she feels the urge again and lets another fart rip near his face. The BF throws the girl from the couch, gets up, and says, "Bitch if you think I'll be lying here for 67 more of those, you're fucking crazy."

What's the difference between China and New York City?

In China, the Asians ride ON the trains. In New York City, they usually end up riding UNDER them.

What do you call someone who gets killed at 12 o'clock on New Year's? First kill of the match.

Did you hear about that new emo pizza? It cuts itself!

I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.