Never jokes
A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
I asked a girl I met if I could take her out to dinner.
The joke is I knew right after she said, "I'll call you," she was lying to me, not surprised even a little.
The next joke was a part of me hoped she would call, but did I really think she was going to? I'll never be good enough for anyone, what was I thinking, why did I even bother to ask her in the first place? I think it was just to prove I was right, I'm unwanted.
LONELINESS EQUALS SADNESS.
Can never tell a funny 9/11 joke. They always collapse and burn.
What's the difference between yo mama and a fat ugly pig? - I never fucked that fat ugly pig...
Once you've had the mother,
Don't tell me you've never been tempted to do the daughter.
What do you call a teacher who never farts in public? A private tutor.
They never told us Humpty was an egg. A man died then!
"BlessedBrian must be a SMOKE DETECTOR... because he never fails to kill the vibe."
Your mom saw Uranus and never was the same in HD. :)
Why can't orphans play Monopoly?
Because they never get a full house.
My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...
In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.
Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."
A nun going down a water shoot? She never felt so wet in all her life!
Why did Stephen Hawking's girlfriend finish with him? Because he would never walk her home.
I know an orphan named Zara, and he has never had homemade food.
A man complains to a slave dealer: "The slave you sold me died!"
"By the gods," replies the dealer, "he never did that when I owned him!"
Me: "WYD?"
Her: "Just dealing with a lot: depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I'll never be enough."
Me: "Without me? Lol"
Why did Stephen Hawking cross the street?
He didn’t; he never did.
A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.
The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."
Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.
Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.
After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.
Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"
The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."
You never think of how people will react to an event. My friend gets discounts at any store he goes to.