If Shaquille O’Neal had a boat, he would’ve named it Freethrow, because he will never sink it.
What is a thing orphans have that we can never have?
Imaginary parents.
Guys, stop making jokes about blind people, they might s... never mind, continue.
What's the difference between the milkman and my dad?
Nothing, they are both one thing except he never returns with milk.
(I've been eating cereal with water COMBINATION!)
School Rizz:
You are my exam. I am always thinking about you but never making a move.
Are you a building because I rate you a 9/11?
Why were the Twin Towers mad when they ordered pizza?
One arrived plain, one came in late, one went to the wrong address, and the other one never came.
My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
I am never wrong. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
I will never forget my grandfather's last words:
"Can you hold the ladder correctly, damn it!"
Q: Why can't orphans ever win at Yahtzee?
A: Because they can never seem to get a full house.
We should give whoever killed Hitler a statue. Oh wait, never mind.
Why can't emos stand in chairs?
Because they never get down.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I've never had a lentil on my face.
Son: Dad, I have black skin and you have white skin, are you sure you're my parents?
Dad: Oh... well I never thought it would come to this, or to your head that you were kidnapped...
Son: Am I kidnapped?
Dad: Well, you're adopted, and if you want to see your biological parents, they’ll be waiting for you in heaven.
Quote of the day: It's never too late to be what you wished you were.
Hope y'all are having a great day! I just got back from a volleyball tournament that I had to be up at 5 AM for! We played three games and won the last one. We advanced and are playing a few more tomorrow. Wish me and my team good luck!
I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.
And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...
AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!
Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
Kids are like a box of chocolates, they taste so good and you never know what you are going to get.
Who killed Hitler goes to Heaven.
*looks up*
Oh, never mind.
A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.
