Never jokes

Three nuns are on their way up to heaven after having been involved in a terrible minibus crash on the Italian Alps that killed them and the driver (he went the other direction!).

As they're approaching the Pearly Gates to be interviewed by St. Peter, they are requested by an attendant to form a single line and wait. Sister Agnes is first, Sister Bernadette behind her and Sister Carmel on the end.

Finally, St. Peter approaches the nuns to determine their worthiness for entry to Heaven.

He says to the first nun: "Sister Agnes, have you ever seen the penis of a man?"

Sister Agnes bursts into tears and says: "Yes, St. Peter, I have, but please don't let this prevent me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven."

St. Peter says: "Never fear, my child. Say a thousand Hail Marys and then go over to that font of Holy Water and wash your eyes out, then you shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

Sister Carmel sees what's going on and taps Sister Bernadette on the shoulder, somewhat urgently.

"Pssst - hey Bernie"!, she says.

Sister Bernadette asks: "What is it?" A little annoyed.

Sister Carmel says: "Do you mind if we swap places"?

Sister Bernadette replies: "What for"?

Sister Carmel says: "Well, I wouldn't mind gargling before you stick your ass in there!"

Well, a boy and a girl are in a bathtub together.

The little boy says, “Hey, you see that? I’m gonna go ask Daddy what it is.” When the little boy asks his dad, he says, “Well, son, that’s your car. You try to park it in a girl’s parking spot.”

As the boy runs back, he see’s the little girl is missing. It had turned out that the little girl was asking her mama what her spot was and she said, “Well, that’s your parking spot. Never ever let a boy put it in.” When she got back, the little boy tried to put the car in, well he did and she ended up breaking his car that day.

Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.

"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."

"Oh, cool."

"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."

"Makes sense."

"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."

"Where's Trump's clock?"

"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."

And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.

Why can't you eat cereal?

Because your dad never came back from getting the milk!

I never touched kids, just women, but since I was famous, they were fine with it.

Why do orphans never get a car?

Because their parents need to buy them one.

Did you hear the joke about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.

You're so skinny, when you did your first jump on a pogo stick you would never come back.

There never was a historical Jesus Christ. Hey, do not even dream of crucifying me.

Why does everyone respect midgets and dwarves?

They never look down on anyone.

Your mama is so funny looking that when the doctor called her, he said, "Never visit me again. I hope you die!"

Why can an orphan never get picked up?

Because the white van did not come that day. HAHA BIG LOL

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.

I robbed a person in a wheelchair. He cried and said: "You can run, but you can't hide." I ran, and I never saw him again.

As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.

I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.

Why can orphans never go to the shops?

'Cause the Talibans will plane dive into them.

Why do orphans eat cereal without milk?

Because their dad never came home from the store.

Do you know why you never mess with an orphan?

Because they’ve got guardians!

Why are orphans terrible at baseball? They never get home runs.

I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.

They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.