Do you want to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it's tear-able.
They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.
What's black, anorexic, dumb, and will never get a girlfriend?
Me.
Why is the sea salty?
Because the land never waves back.
What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?
Condoms!
Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
'Cause she will let it go.
Two men are next to each other. One looks at the other and asks, "Are you a fascist?"
The other man responds, "No, why would I be?"
The first man pulls out a gun and says, "Are you sure?"
The second man says, "Never mind, I am a fascist!"
Girls are like volcanoes.
You never know when they will erupt.
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
That one person who can never bring a smile to your face...
Until you push them down 3 flights of stairs.
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
The other day my wife said, "Take me someplace I have never been before!" I said, "Why don't you try the kitchen?"
I know that my jokes are never punny but...
Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."
The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.
The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.
The third lady says, "I never had a husband."
The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."
They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.
The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."
"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"
There once was a Mexican named Quan. He never talked about Dose. What happened to Dose?
Quan and Treis raped him. Once Quattro came out, they killed him. They were too poor to afford food, so they ended up eating Dose and Quattro.
Dark Jokes R Like Puppies:
Once they come out they are trash, but once it starts to get older, that’s when it’s noticed, but when it gets too old, you either proclaim it dead or never talk about it.
(I would never do that though I love puppies)
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.
It never gets old.
Never joke about 9/11, they'll just crash and burn.
I will never forget my Grandpa's last words: "What are you doing with that rope and saw?"
