I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.
AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!
Why did Stephen Hawking cross the street?
He didn’t; he never did.
Why did the car key never fit in?
He was too door key.
Everyone is talking about Head and Shoulders, and that if he never had a shower, his batteries would have got wet.
I'd tell you a joke about infinity, but I'm afraid it will never end.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.
I would make a disabled joke.
But they never work.
Wanna hear a pizza joke?
Never mind, it's too cheesy.
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.
But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."
So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.
This was the best day of my life.
This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.
My boyfriend recently asked me to suck his cock. I was kinda nervous because I’ve never tasted a dick, but he said it doesn’t taste that bad, so I’ll give it a shot.
What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.
I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.
Why do I only date orphans?
Because they never have daddy issues.
Never trust a donkey; they are always full of shit.
I would tell a pussy joke, but you would never get it.
Roses are red, the sky is blue, what do you do? Oh, never mind, I'm not homo like you.
The teacher says to do your homework. I do. My friends do. One person never does any of his homework.
Eventually, we had to have fun. He said he didn't do it. WOW what did he do? I like to think he got smacked and nearly committed suicide.
Do you want to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it's tear-able.
