Nail Jokes

What does Jesus do when he gets nervous? He bites his nails.

What do nail polish and panties have in common?

Both come off with alcohol.

What is Jesus' favorite gun?

A nail gun.

What's terrible? Three dead babies nailed to one tree.

What's worse than that? One dead baby nailed to three trees.

Jesus can’t judge gay people, because he got nailed before he died.

The image shows a grid of nine photos. The top row shows three photos of a young man's face with a neutral expression. The center photo shows him wearing glasses, and the other two show him without glasses. The second row shows three different close-up views of a hand, with a finger in the center. The third row shows three images of the floor, with a close-up of the hand again in the center square.

So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.

On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"

Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.

On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"

Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.

On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"

Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"

Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"

Of course Jesus wasn't a virgin! He obviously liked being nailed!

*Me walking into the nail salon* Hi, I'm here for my 3:45 appointment.

*Nail tech:* Ok, sweety, come and sit down.

*Me sits down in the chair*

*Nail tech:* You want long nail, short nail? Um, long nail. You want boyfriend?!! Yes, ma'am. Ok, let me work magic. Ok.

*gives me short nail* Bro, I asked for long nail, but you said BF, but u look lesbian.

*walks out without paying*

*Nail tech gives money to a customer* There u win.

*customer:* I told u she would.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The picture gets hung with one nail, not two.

How's it going @#$!

What card is the slowest and slimiest?

Ace-nail.

What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Thumb nails.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The chicken was in 666 pieces after being molested by Gerard brutally with a rail gun covered in spears covered in his lymph. His beak was ripped open and shoved in his feet after glass shards were shoved into his eyes until they came out the other side. His feet were nailed to the ground.

Part 2: He walks up to a stake and nails himself there. Then he finds the knife and says to someone to find a cake to celebrate his death, but everybody came. That was the sign that nobody loved him, and that's how you know if people love you.