My jokes

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

My thighs have a different texture pack than the rest of me.

I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.

How are Xbox servers like hookers? First they take my money, and then they go down on me.

My math teacher keeps telling me to find his x. It's kinda creepy.

My kids found me in the family tree. I was hanging there for hours.

My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.

My advice to suicidal people: just hang in there. 🕺

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

I was digging a hole in the garden until I found some coins! I was about to tell my mum when I remembered I was digging a hole in the garden.

I got jealous of the zebras. Sorry, I’ll cut it out. I wanted to practice for my med school test.

So, my friend and I were talking this time. I asked them what they would do if they ever met Rengoku. They said that they would probably like shake his hand or something, but I said I would lick his forehead. Wtf?

I can see my future in your forehead.

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

I like my men like I like my whiskey: Irish and put in a barrel for 2 years with barely any oxygen.

Teacher: Where were you born?

Student: The highway.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Student: I don't know, my mom says that's where all the accidents happen.

What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.

The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.

It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

I've been hit by several things in my life.

Sadly, never a car.