My jokes

Back in Australia, my puns are high koala-tea!

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

I don't always roll a joint, but when I do, it's my ankle.

I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.

He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!

I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"

I like my women how I like my wine.

Aged 9 years and lives in the basement.

My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed up her clothes and left.

Your hairline goes so far back my history teacher was surprised.

What's the difference between orphans and girlfriends? I don't have 100 girlfriends locked in my basement.

People be like: "What happened to Fruit Ninja? It was on your phone."

Me: "I upgraded, now I can play on my pro max thigh/wrists."

I was cutting the vegetables and my mom asked how I was so skillful.

I now know what my first tattoo should be, zebra stripes! Not like anyone would know the difference between them.

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

What did the rope say to my depressed ass?

~ Hey, you wanna hang?

My wife thinks I'm immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.

I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said, "My turn!"

Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."

Gf: "I luv u too."

Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."

Gf: "Ah, about that..."

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.