My jokes

I don't always roll a joint, but when I do, it's my ankle.

Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."

Gf: "I luv u too."

Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."

Gf: "Ah, about that..."

People be like: "What happened to Fruit Ninja? It was on your phone."

Me: "I upgraded, now I can play on my pro max thigh/wrists."

I was cutting the vegetables and my mom asked how I was so skillful.

Your hairline goes so far back my history teacher was surprised.

I now know what my first tattoo should be, zebra stripes! Not like anyone would know the difference between them.

My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed up her clothes and left.

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"

I like my women how I like my wine.

Aged 9 years and lives in the basement.

I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.

He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!

What's the difference between orphans and girlfriends? I don't have 100 girlfriends locked in my basement.

My wife thinks I'm immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.

What did the rope say to my depressed ass?

~ Hey, you wanna hang?

I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said, "My turn!"

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

I like my men like I like my whiskey: Irish and put in a barrel for 2 years with barely any oxygen.

My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."

So, my friend and I were talking this time. I asked them what they would do if they ever met Rengoku. They said that they would probably like shake his hand or something, but I said I would lick his forehead. Wtf?