My jokes

What's the difference between orphans and girlfriends? I don't have 100 girlfriends locked in my basement.

People be like: "What happened to Fruit Ninja? It was on your phone."

Me: "I upgraded, now I can play on my pro max thigh/wrists."

Your hairline goes so far back my history teacher was surprised.

I now know what my first tattoo should be, zebra stripes! Not like anyone would know the difference between them.

My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed up her clothes and left.

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."

Gf: "I luv u too."

Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."

Gf: "Ah, about that..."

What did the rope say to my depressed ass?

~ Hey, you wanna hang?

My wife thinks I'm immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.

I like my women how I like my wine.

Aged 9 years and lives in the basement.

I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

My dad died on 9/11. He was a great pilot.

Rizz

Are you a basketball hoop? 'Cause I want to put my balls in you.

Are you a photo biographer? 'Cause I can picture us together.

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?

Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

I've been hit by several things in my life.

Sadly, never a car.