My Jokes

Dad: Hey son wanna here a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbors dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life son! My life is the joke.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf....ftysrrtfgbjysou34w45pjr578v

My girlfriend called me a "pedophile" and I said "that's a big word for a 5 year old".

I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work

I can see my future in your forehead

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression... Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible....But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

This is how my mom always threatens me: I brought you into this world, I can bring you out of it too. That's why I only have 2 siblings left.

I wonder where the bodies are?

whats the difference between you and a fridge? the fridge don't moan when i put my meat in

what's the differs between my sister and my phone . I give a dam if my phone dies

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. -- I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

My therapist said: "Time heals all wounds" I shot her now we wait

I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin ⚰️ and whispered. "Whose late now ?"

Did anyone JET my joke. It probably flew over your heads, oops I meant trough.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"

My mum told me to stop playing with my sister; she said at least wait for her to be born first.

So we were working with a new client at work and my boss farts, he said "a little gas never killed anyone

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park. Lord: Has something happened while I was gone? Gardener: Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burrying your dog. Lord: My dog died?! Gardener: Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down. Lord: My mansion?! How?! Gardener: Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains. Lord: Why was she so distraught? Gardener: She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped. Lord: My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?! Gardener: Oh right! Your cancer test results!