My jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I’m sorry you look like my old beat up shoe.

So I left my mom with my baby, and I was terrified when I came back; the wheelchair was in the water.

I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.

Last week was my blind friend's birthday. I thought I would give him something really good that he may need.

As I walk into his house and give him a cheese grater for a birthday present, he sets it next to him. As weeks pass, he comes up to me. He said, "That present that you gave me for my birthday was the most intense book I have ever read!"

My great-great-great grandpa killed Hitler.

One Tuesday afternoon, Little Jonny decides he wants extra homework, so he went to his teacher and said, "Hello, can I have extra homework this week?"

The teacher replied with, "Sure, be at my house Friday afternoon to cut my lawn, polish the counters, scrub the baseboards, scrub and paint the walls!"

And Johnny replied with, "That's not what I meant, but at least I'll get paid!"

The teacher said, "How about $200 each job?"

Johnny replied with, "OK."

Friday afternoon at her house, after Johnny does all the jobs, he asked for his payment and the teacher laughed and said, "You do know that Tuesday was April Fools' Day, right?"

I am crying tears of joy rn.😭 I was wrongfully denied my visa. ☠️ They took me to the Q&A section, that I needed to answer one simple question for my visa to be granted.

The question was the original synonym of Bench. I shakily answered "Pristiano Penaldo" 😭. I was right guys ✅🛫

Holy fucking shit, Addison, watersharky, Gwen, and all of you other cringelords, I swear to God if I hear one more thing about "please be kind, no bullying on the internet," I will actually shoot my local school.

You may not know, since you are only 8 years old or whatever, but the world is not kind. It’s full of sick people out to beat others, and the only way to stay safe is to beat them. So even if you think you are spreading kindness, it’s just gonna make you a target. So just stfu and keep your "please be kind" messages to yourselves.

A priest asks a convicted murderer on the electric chair, "Do you have any last request?"

"Yes," said the murderer, "Will you hold my hand?"

I'm just like my LEDs, I'm meant to be hung.

I accidentally hit an orphan with my car, but I was not worried because he couldn’t tell his parents.

When you send a dick pic and she sends one back,

I'm glad mine is the biggest, so I get to fuck my dad again.

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I wanted my first time to be special.

As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.

I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. My dad is gone to...

POO I LOVE POO.

Here’s my song:

“Poo poo poo pooo pooe poop poop poopy.”

Thank you!

Why did your parents abandon you?

Because the first thing you dad said to be was; "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WIFE."

I will never forget my grandfather's last words:

"Can you hold the ladder correctly, damn it!"

My friend told me I was so dark that I had no bright ideas.

My dad died in 9/11....

He was a good driver.