My jokes

This girl came to me and said, "I got raped in my sleep!"

I replied, "I done it as a joke."

-April 1, 2020

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.

Jesus took bread and said, "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said, "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise, and Peter said, "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

The way you talk is so slow that they put you in the movie Fast and Furious and changed the title to Slow and Serious!!!😂😂😭

Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by God and made babies!

Dad, how were hoomans made? Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!

Mom, Dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)

I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.

Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.

Roses are red, violets are violets, my dad died in 9/11 and he was a good pilot.

I laughed when I realized that my suicide letter is way longer than my sibling's college essay.

How many kids does it take to change a light bulb? Well, it's not 53, 'cause my basement's still dark.

Do you know the TV show "Naked and Afraid?" Well, that's what my grandpa and I played when I was young.

My dad still hasn’t come back with the milk. Now we are stuck eating dry cereal.

I cried when my dad cut onions. Onions was such a good dog.

An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee.

A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after a while and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in."

An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:

Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."

Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"

Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."

Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"

Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.