My jokes

I tend to think my ‘depression’ is for attention. I guess I have depressed depression.

My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.

Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"

Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.

Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."

Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

bully: "Your life's a joke."

me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."

Lemme treat you like I treat my homework: slam you on my desk and do you all night.

When my son was little, he loved to draw. Although he would always rip up the paper whenever there was one little slip up. Too bad he became a tattoo artist.....

This girl came to me and said, "I got raped in my sleep!"

I replied, "I done it as a joke."

-April 1, 2020

My grandfather said I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My mind was blown when I saw all the people waving at me.

-JFK

Jesus took bread and said, "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said, "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise, and Peter said, "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.