My Jokes

My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta

My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me. The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment. With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months she woke. She asked the doctor "hows the baby?" "You had twins" the doctor replied. "Your brother named them" the woman said *oh no not my brother what did he call them?" "He called the girl Denise" "what about the boy" the woman asked the doctor said "denephew"

Q: What’s the difference between me and you? A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.

Francis Pope, Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and a little boy were one a falling airplane. Their were 3 parachutes. Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps off the plane saying, “The world needs my leadership!” Barack Obama grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps off the plane. At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane. The Pope says to the boy, “take the last parachute, I am too old and I’m going to die soon one day.” The little boy says, “actually their are two, you see, Donald Trump took my backpack.”

My wife is like a mirror

I can never look at it

What do my cloths and a depressed person not have in common?

My cloths don't hang themselves...

my grandfather said I was to reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Two Italian men get on a bus...

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin' abouta sexa?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

I'm not racist, my best friends are black for halloween. :)

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down Syndrome!”

What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. -- I didn't want to interrupt her.

I like my cigars like I like my women,7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba

Ok not really racist but still funny

My cock was in the book of world records... The librarian told me to take it out

Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said don't look down. Timmy looked down. Timmy said "What's that?". Timmy's dad said "that's Mr.wiggles". Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said don't look down. Timmy looked down. Timmy said "What's that?". Timmy's mom said "that's my garden". Timmy's mom said don't look up. Timmy looked up. Timmy said "What are those?". Timmy's mom said those are her headlights. Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said don't look under the covers. Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR.WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"