My jokes

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."

I tend to think my ‘depression’ is for attention. I guess I have depressed depression.

What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.

Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.

Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.

Dad: Would you like to talk about it?

Son: Sure.

Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.

Son: I can't, my butt hurts.

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

My grandfather said I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

This girl came to me and said, "I got raped in my sleep!"

I replied, "I done it as a joke."

-April 1, 2020

Why did the feminist cross the road?

To suck my dick!

Jesus took bread and said, "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said, "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise, and Peter said, "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

The way you talk is so slow that they put you in the movie Fast and Furious and changed the title to Slow and Serious!!!😂😂😭

I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.

I cried when my dad cut onions. Onions was such a good dog.

Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.