My jokes

My friend fell on the Nile river and Egypt last week.

He swears by it, but he’s in denial.

My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!

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I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?

I found an alien in my backyard. I put him to work. He went to a farm, and I never saw him again. Moments later, he is on the Daily Planet acting as a reporter. A green rock smashed my house. I called him back, and he passed out.

I remarked, "You lazy!"

Some kid: Hey, did you know there's an orphanage down the street?!

Me: NO WAY! Wanna check it out?

Kid: NO, IT'S HAUNTED!!

Me: Haunted my ass, let's go!

Kid: Wait, isn't your house also haunted???

Me: Yea

Are you a rope? Cause I'm tryna put you around my neck 😏

So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.

So, you're human, huh? Well, I'm a skeleton, so not much gets under my skin.

I asked my dad to come to my Father’s Day breakfast.

The orphanage worker just said, “Don’t be silly!”

Girl: Hi (flirt)

Boy: Hi? (reluctant)

Girl: I'm a cheerleader captain, I'm also single (flirt).

Boy 2: Excuse me?! He's MY MAN...

Yeah, I stopped joking about 9/11. My jokes usually just ended up crashing and burning.

My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.

Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.

"Hold my beer, watch this."

I wanted to get brain surgery.

I changed my mind.

I'm really bored. Can someone talk with me? None of my friends are responding to me :(

I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...

Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...

I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...

When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating, and I said to her, "You're starting to sound like my wife."

I read the joke "what we breathe is called oxygen, that is African food" to my African friend, but he is breathing in tears from his mother dying of hunger...