My Jokes

A little girl being Girl: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do, child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes, Father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes, Father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, Father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes, Father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But, Father, he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.

My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}

My ex-girlfriend got hit by a bus. I also lost my bus driver's license.

So, a few hours ago my friend said I need to CUT it out with the s/h jokes... like... it's really not that deep?

A screenshot of a text message conversation. The first message says: "Just take a minute and think about Riley's retarded hair cut. Shut up look at your greasy ass hair." The next message says: "Have you not released I don't give a small singular shit about my hair." The following message says: "There's probably shit in your hair." Finally, the last messages read: "It looks better than whatever dead raccoon has been super glued onto your forehead. But Yeah probably."

Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.

Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)

My handicapped friend was getting bullied. I said, "Just stand up for yourself!"

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.

Me: Your ugly...

Person: I'm not your mirror...

Me: I never told you to be my mirror :p

How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw a light bulb?

Oh wait, Michael Jackson only screws little boys, my bad.

My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.

Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.

I nailed my sister's... picture on the wall.

You dirty-minded bastard!

Shit! My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs! I've been his customer for 4 years, but I had no idea he was a barber.

Someone at school judged my grammar.

I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.

My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

I wasn’t understanding what I had to do for homework, so my teacher said, “Let me break it down for you like the Twin Towers.”

My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."