My jokes

My wife said I have no sense of direction.

I said, "Where did that come from?"

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.

My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

When my son was little, he loved to draw. Although he would always rip up the paper whenever there was one little slip up. Too bad he became a tattoo artist.....

Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"

Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."

I tend to think my ‘depression’ is for attention. I guess I have depressed depression.

This girl came to me and said, "I got raped in my sleep!"

I replied, "I done it as a joke."

-April 1, 2020

Why did the feminist cross the road?

To suck my dick!

My grandfather said I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.

Jesus took bread and said, "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said, "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise, and Peter said, "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

The way you talk is so slow that they put you in the movie Fast and Furious and changed the title to Slow and Serious!!!😂😂😭

I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.

What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.