My jokes

Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."

Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"

Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"

My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.

Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

bully: "Your life's a joke."

me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."

I tend to think my ‘depression’ is for attention. I guess I have depressed depression.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.

He said he couldn't complain.

This girl came to me and said, "I got raped in my sleep!"

I replied, "I done it as a joke."

-April 1, 2020

My mind was blown when I saw all the people waving at me.

-JFK

My grandfather said I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.

Jesus took bread and said, "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said, "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise, and Peter said, "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

The way you talk is so slow that they put you in the movie Fast and Furious and changed the title to Slow and Serious!!!😂😂😭

I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.