My jokes

I still remember my grandpa's last words; "Is that loaded?"

I like my kids how I like my lights, Hanging from the ceiling.

What’s 12 inches and is moist inside?

My record holding cucumbers, locally grown at my farm.

If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.

This is how my mom always threatens me: "I brought you into this world, I can bring you out of it too." That's why I only have 2 siblings left.

I wonder where the bodies are?

Boy: "My girlfriend didn't dump me, I dumped her..."

Off the nearby cliff.

So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my coworkers found gold. I said, "AU, bring that over here!"

Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.

My nickname should be night light... because kids turn me on...

I was in a public bathroom in a handicap stall, and when I got out, a handicapped man told me that I was an a**hole. I told him, "Bet you won't stand up and say that to my face," and then he broke down.

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

I only remember my father's last words before he died. He said, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

911, what's your emergency?

Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.

Well, it's not a living room anymore.

Me: Hangs up.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't."

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"

How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Must be more than 9 cause my basement is still dark.

Back in Australia, my puns are high koala-tea!

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

I don't always roll a joint, but when I do, it's my ankle.

I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.

He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!