My Jokes

My nickname should be night light... because kids turn me on...

How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Must be more than 9 cause my basement is still dark.

Back in Australia, my puns are high koala-tea!

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"

I don't always roll a joint, but when I do, it's my ankle.

What's the difference between orphans and girlfriends? I don't have 100 girlfriends locked in my basement.

Your hairline goes so far back my history teacher was surprised.

People be like: "What happened to Fruit Ninja? It was on your phone."

Me: "I upgraded, now I can play on my pro max thigh/wrists."

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed up her clothes and left.

My wife thinks I'm immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.

My sister asked me what is dark humor. I asked what does a cannibal call a pregnant woman? "Kinder Surprise!"

What did the rope say to my depressed ass?

~ Hey, you wanna hang?

I like my women how I like my wine.

Aged 9 years and lives in the basement.

I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.

He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

My thighs have a different texture pack than the rest of me.

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.