My jokes

A man awakes in a hospital and is confused. He decides to feel his legs, but to no avail. "Doctor, doctor!" He cries out. "What is it?" The doctor asks. "I can't feel my legs!" The doctor stands there for a moment - completely dumbfounded. ". . . That's because I amputated your arms."

My friend had no school because of heavy snow. Guess you could say it was a snow school day!

My wife said she wanted to leave me. She said it’s because of the abuse, but really, she’s the one abusing herself by drinking alcohol and got poisoning the next day. This shows almost half of the woman’s population is weak both physically and mentally.

This isn’t a joke, but my name [is] Mr. Cheese.

I hate family reunions.

I see too many of my ex's there.

Random person: Minecraft is actually more peaceful than real life.

Me: Well, screw life. Maybe if I light a fire on myself, I will go to Minecraft (my excuse for suicide).

What did Trump say to Epstein? "I like my tea like I like my teens: warm, sweet, and freshly made."

Biden: My girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said, "That's a pretty big word for a 9-year-old!"

Hey! My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?

After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.

It's in my basement.

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.

"I told my black friend a joke. I told him he needs to lighten up!"

My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I answered, "Happy."

The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.

In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.

1 like = 1 kid in my oven. I'm trying to get followers and comments, please.

I only got one question wrong on my biology test yesterday.

The question was, "What is most commonly found in a cell?"

Apparently, "Black People" wasn't the right answer.

There was a cowboy riding in a desert when he saw a little girl up ahead. He heard her crying, so he went up to her and climbed down from his horse and asked her: "Hey, what's going on? Why do you cry? Where are your parents? What happened?"

The girl said in a crying, sad voice, "The Indians came, killed my father and my mother, and raped my sister."

The cowboy just laughed, unlocked his belt, and pulled his trousers down and said, "Guess it isn't your day, is it?"

I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.

I asked my mum to be in the Paralympics, and she said I had to eat more vegetables.

How to give a good hand job?

Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.

None of you ever touch my penis.