My jokes
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers.”
She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
In my house, good sex sounds like seals slapping each other.
My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}
My uncle died on September 11. He was the greatest pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.
Be warned, if you are in the shower, I might pikachu and it's not my fault if I see any jigglypuffs.
Someone asked me my gender... I said, "Woah, man."
Knock knock. Who's there? Depression. That's my best friend.
I like my dates like I like my wine...
Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.
Me: "My grandpa killed 100 nazis."
My friend: "Well, my grandpa killed Hitler."
I like my girls like I like my wine.
12 years old and locked in my basement.
I don't always roll a joint, but when I do, it's my ankle.
I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.
Website: Submit a joke :-)
Me: My life.
I asked my North Korean friend, "what's it like to live in North Korea?" He responded, "can't complain."
Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.
The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"
The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"
"Yellow and far apart."
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
I've looked everywhere... I just can't seem to find where I left my will to live.
My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.
Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”
“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”