My jokes
I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.
She be hubba on my bubba till I gum.
what do you call a baby in an oven?
my next meal.
Why am I so fat? When I was younger my mother said I should be the bigger person.
I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.
All I said was, "Hurry up, some of us got homes to go to..."
My love life.
My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.
Me: But they're not that long.
My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.
Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"
Do trees pee?
How else do we have No. 1 pencils?
My entire family "TAKE THIS GIRL TO AN ASYLUM!!!"
Me "OH NO" 💀
An orphan asked if they could move into my house yesterday. I said, "Don't you have a family?"
My girlfriend broke up with me this morning, and we just started dating yesterday.
Now she's having a breakfast.
People joke about 9/11, but it's not funny. My dad died in 9/11. Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.
I was making a bet with my grandfather about who would die first. I said that I would die first.
He said "Bet" and died after he drank his coffee.
He was my least favorite grandparent.
To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him.
“Get under my robes,” says the nun. “No one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, “Hey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.”
“Yeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls,” replies the nun. “I didn't want to get drafted either.”
They toss and turn to the sound of thunder, but I got watermelon to soothe my slumber!
One time, a cow saved my life.
It was bovine intervention.
My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.
I lost the case.
I don't fuck my mother all day long. I fuck my mother for only 6 hours a day. Sometimes it's 7-8 hours. It depends on how busy my siblings and father are with their work.