My jokes

My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

Friend texting fat boy: I know you're on the group chat. I can see you looking at my texts.

Me: I can only see fat.

At night, before I got in bed with my girl, I had 206 bones, but I developed a 207th bone.

Do you want to know why I hired a protractor to tutor my nephew in IIROC? Because he has degrees. 180 of them. So he's smar[t].

Suck on my big fat ding dong, you idiot!

Once Roblox popped up in my server, be like, "Roblox, what are you doing?"

Me: "What the heck?" Me: "How did I get in your server?"

Roblox: "You've been banned for just cheating!"

My friend lives in a caravan park. His parents named him Money because they thought it was a type of currency.

One day I was at school, and this girl had the nerve. She told me to go to the back of the line. I was looking behind me, and she said, "What are you looking for?" I said, "To who [are] you talking to, boo boo?" Like, is you you my momma?

What did the farmer who lost his tractor say?

*waits 25 seconds*

"I lost my tractor!"

I killed myself, then woke up.

EVERYONE:

"My boyfriend, Danny, broke up with me. Can some hot guy come, so I can interview them and see if they wanna date me?"

My life is like a grenade... I pull off the ring and, BOOM, it explodes!

My wife saw me hit the best drive yesterday with my golf clubs.

I must have drove that chihuahua 300 yards.

I love telling good news to my patients, like they survived the crash but their family died.

I’m back and have a joke my friend said!

Person 1: My brother's Halloween costume is so ugly.

Person 2: What was it?

Person 1: He went as himself.

My mum told me to take you to the zoo and throw you in the lake, but I couldn't find you.

My girlfriend asked for a kiss, so I gave her my dick.

I remember my son's last words: "I stubbed my toe!"

My bestie: Are you dirty-minded?

Me: Do I have dirt in my mind? No.

It’s funny my sister wanted to have sex with me.