My jokes

My therapist said: "Time heals all wounds."

I shot her, now we wait.

What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.

Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

I tried to high-five my emo friend, but he just left me hanging.

Make a wish.

Kid: I don't want to go to Disney World, I just want to keep living my life.

Make a Wish Staff: Get the F*** out!

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

What does my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.

Me and my friend were duck hunting.

He shot 5 ducks in one shot. Then he shot by accident and yelled "DUCK!" then "MOTHERDUCKER!" Then ducks came down and one by one bit him.

What's the difference between a knife and my life?

A knife has a point.

My life, your life, and your sister is a slut.

One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"

My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Whenever a woman files a rape accusation, it’s obviously fake. Even the cows at my farm are more likely, at least they aren’t flat.

My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed up her clothes and left.

Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.

The jury: O.o

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

Whoever killed Adolf Hitler is MY hero!