My jokes

My teacher started talking about houses, then I said I don't want that informansion.

My friend showed me his broken finger, and I said, "JESUS!" He said his name is Jake.

I like my coffee like my women.

Amateur.

I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......

You look good now, but you’d look better hanging from my ceiling. ;)

My disabled friend rolled into a burning orphanage and saved lots of kids. When he came out, the kids tried to play with him because his wheels were on fire. They called him Hot Wheels.

Hey, Squidward, say "kid" backward. Also, suck my dick!

What's the difference between a spare tire and dead hookers? I don't have 8 spare tires in my trunk.

What is the difference between Princess Diana and my laptop?

When my laptop crashes, I give a s**t.

Whats the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead hookers, i don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Son: Hey, Dad, why is my name Dick?

Dad: Oh, because a dick fell on you when you were born.

Son: Ohhhhh, so that's why I'm gay.

You look like something I drew with my left hand.

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome.

I want my first time to be special.

The kid with a gun walked into my classroom and fucking shot the teacher.

He pointed the gun at me and asked, "What's 2+2?" I answer him and he writes the answer down on his test. He did this with every kid. He got a 100%, expelled, and a lifetime in prison. Hey, at least he gets free food.

So my sis thinks she's so smart. She said, "You can finish this move ten minutes later. Go to sleep."

I hate when my brother dates other people.

Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵

I was at school when I remembered I forgot my necklace, then I screamed out, "Shit, I forgot Grandpa!"

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.

Hey dude, can you spell IHOP?

Sure, man. I. H. O. P.

Wait, you ate my pee!!!

Watching "50 Shades of Grey" was more painful than my uncle fisting me as a kid.