My jokes

What did the SS say when A.H. was running out of ideas?

"You Wannsee my 'final solution'?"

My dog is pregnant. I'm gonna be a... I don't know?

Ohhh, an owner.

UGHHHHHHH TODAY WAS TERRIBLE! My wife got hit by a bus!!! And I lost my job as a bus driver!

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot Pakistan has ever seen, Allahu Akbar!

Look at my name and you'll see the joke (read it out loud).

Dear doctor,

I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?

Yours Truly, Ray Palp

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well." My brother said, "You want a sugar cookie?"

I don't know what an HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of 'em'.

Dear Orphans,

I have a better orphanage for you. It's my basement :)

I went to a butcher house with my little cousin and saw a baby pig and told her, "Look, it's Pepa Pig!"

She started crying.

What’s the difference between my lawn and my wrists?

Nothing, I cut both of them.

I told my friend an egg joke yesterday.

He thought it was eggcellent.

Top 10 Cos:

1. Disco 2. Flamenco 3. Fresco 4. Fiasco 5. Monaco 6. Tobacco 7. Bronco 8. Morocco 9. UNESCO 10. Taco

Pexico? Not top 1000 in my honest book.

My question is, how do fat people fit in tuxedos? Honestly, don’t wear those. Wear your regular clothes. Your belly is just gonna pop out!

A note for my History Teacher:

Frick frack apple jack tic tac sick sack Mr. Khan and give him a big fat whack 'cause his teaching's got lack, his system I will hack and through the screen I'll give him a smack. I'll throw him on the clothing rack. On his seat I'll put thumb tacks, I'll break his momma's back... and he'll never come back.

I tried to find my watch I lost last week, but I didn't have the time.

You're the sun in my life, now get 93 million miles away from me.

Guy 1: Hey, can you stop making 9/11 jokes? My dad died during it.

Guy 2: Sorry, I will stop. What was your dad?

Guy 1: The pilot. He saw a KFC and wanted it, so, well, you know.

My sister said the onion is the only vegetable that can make you cry...

So I threw a carrot at her.

This one butt cheek said to the other one, "It's really personal, but it's okay, I'll tell you." It said, "Hey, let's go to my crib so we can smoke a little joint, watch a movie, and go upstairs in the room and get down."