My Jokes

"I told my kids not to spend all day at a computer, but then I realized I do that myself."

"Sing in music lesson"

"I want to die, I want to die, I want to choke myself, break my neck and die."

I molested a child today, and it felt quite lovely on my penis! 👍

My wife is a whore, so I pimped her out and broke her mentally and emotionally, taught her a good lesson of being a real woman loyal to her man. End of story, you women are bitches.

I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself.

Random person: Minecraft is actually more peaceful than real life.

Me: Well, screw life. Maybe if I light a fire on myself, I will go to Minecraft (my excuse for suicide).

I was chopping onions with my brothers, so my little sisters cried. Onions was a good dog.

My dad always used to beat me, but he never beat cancer.

Lady: I am going to come to your house.

Man: Ok.

An hour later, the lady is at the man's house. The man meets her outside of the house.

Man: You are going to cum to my house!

And then he fucks her.

What’s red, slimy, and makes my wife scream? Two failed abortions!

When Caesar’s wife told him she dreamed he should beware the Ides of March, he scoffed and said, “What? It’s not like I’m gonna be stabbed 23 times by my best buddies!”

My dick itches.

My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.

Me and my cancer

Are like a game of Fortnite.

I’ll never win.

I lent my sister my bed. The next morning, she told me it worked like a dream.

A man came running into a hospital saying, "Doctor, Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know I amputated your arms!"

FRIEND: Hey, want to come to my house?

LONELY ORPHAN/TRUMP: Want to come to my orphange?

FRIEND: Dude, I'm blocking you!

LONELY ORPHAN: :(

My mom told me that she and the owner of a Chinese restaurant made a deal. Now we get free Chinese food. So I ask my mom why do we get free Chinese food? Then my mom said, "I love him long time."

If I could be any creature, I would be a Unicorn because they are Beautiful, Majestic, Sparkly, Bright, Gods. They create Joy and Happiness everywhere they go.

Unicorns made my life better when I got to know them more. ^-^ They filled my life with more Happiness. I believe in the Unicorns, and they'll believe in me. I am not a Unicorn, although I am the Princess of the Unicorn Land, but if I could be any creature, I would be a Unicorn! :P

Tell your mom happy last night. 🍆 in my bed.