My jokes

I think my penis has facial recognition.

I saw my sister sucking a big toe.

I was digging and found some gold. I was going to tell my mom, then I remembered why I was digging.

In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.

Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp.

Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.

My favorite website.

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

Yo mama's so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

I slit my wrists.

"OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!"

You want to hear a dirty joke?

This guy and this girl were having sex when the guy's boss called to ask why he wasn't at work. The guy responds, "I'm sick." His boss replies, "You don't sound sick." The guy says, "I'm fucking my sister" and hangs up the phone.

How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? More than 40 because my basement is still dark.

I went to a sleepover at my best friend's house. He lives with his grandpa and little brother, his mom and dad. His little brother likes to run around the house naked sometimes. I can't help but notice his grandpa always looks up when he does.

My emo friend tried to hi-five a tree. It left him hanging.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.

That’s about to become a rope around my neck.

Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.

His parents weren't too happy.

The only difference between my grandma and the Twin Towers is that they collapsed faster than my grandma.

Last night I had the strangest dream!

I sailed away to China!

And I caught the coronavirus!

You said you needed to wash your hands!

Didn't want no one else to touch you! What does that mean?!

And you said!!

Ain't nothing gonna break my lungs 😤!

Ain't no way of slowing Covid down!

Oh no I've got to keep on coughing!!!