My jokes
My friend: You're ugly.
The orphanage: That's what I said to all my children.
playing irl fruit ninja on my arm.
My hopes and dreams.
I wish my grass was edgy...
then it would cut itself...
For some reason, my mom likes to lick and suck on hotdogs. As a son, can anyone tell me why?
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
My therapist once said, "time heals all wounds." So I stabbed him. Now we wait...
I now know what my first tattoo should be, zebra stripes! Not like anyone would know the difference between them.
What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.
Who wants to be my boyfriend?
If I could be any creature, I would be a Unicorn because they are Beautiful, Majestic, Sparkly, Bright, Gods. They create Joy and Happiness everywhere they go.
Unicorns made my life better when I got to know them more. ^-^ They filled my life with more Happiness. I believe in the Unicorns, and they'll believe in me. I am not a Unicorn, although I am the Princess of the Unicorn Land, but if I could be any creature, I would be a Unicorn! :P
Hey girl, are you a wizard? Because you cast lit in my Final Fantasy!
My username good.
My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”
Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad, I let her draw things on my body.
I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
Mickey Mouse went to a psychologist and told him, “I’m having problems with my girlfriend.”
The psychologist said, “You mentioned that you think she is crazy.”
He said, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she’s fucking Goofy!”
My bully to his mom after getting "cooked" by me: "Mama, I can't find my hairline!"
My bully. 😭
Neona: Gwen! I got the job!!!!!!!!!
Gwen: I knew it! I knew my prayer worked!
Neona: He said that all my ideas are the best and that I start on Monday!
Gwen: Man, don't you love Mr. Jaekson? He is the best person the company has ever had!
Neona: Who is Mr. Jaekson?
Gwen: Wait... Mr. Jaekson didn't interview you?
Neona: No! Mr. Smith did. He said he was standing.
Gwen: No, Mr. Smith, you are a fool who never lets you spread the word or do anything. I can also mention that he is a person who has sexual problems!
Neona: Gwen, you are a liar!
Gwen: No, I'm not. I'm telling the truth, Neona!
Neona: Gwen, please be happy that I got the job without you lying that Mr. Smith sexual assaults women!!!
Gwen: He does, you're not listening.
Neona: I don't care, BITCH!!!!