My jokes
What’s the difference between my mom and the Twin Towers?
My mom got hit by two cars. The Twin Towers got hit by two planes.
My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.
Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.
Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."
Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.
My balls are so purple that I use them as crayons, and I am not talking about the balls you play with. I am talking about the boy balls.
I asked my mother about her mom.
She said she was in a better place. After that, I asked her where that place is. She didn't know, so I sent her to a better place.
I wish my grass was emo, then it would cut for me.
Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.
I fell in love with my teacher.
Which is weird because I am home schooled.
My money don't jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I want to see you wiggle wiggle, for sure.
My friend: "Hey, I see a dwarf!"
Me: "Where?"
Friend: "In front of me."
So, I went up to an emo and I said, "Why did you steal my bar code from my chips?"
Roses are red, my pencil is blunt.
A parrot trapped on a roof keeps telling the fire crew to f*ck off!
Why did my brother cross the road?
Because he was looking for his brain.
Dick in my mouth.
My gf told me she was pregnant. So I punched her in the stomach.
She asked me "Why the hell did you do that?!?!?" "I wanted to let you know I'm pro abortion."
I wish my ex-wife would take me back. :(
Yo, hairline is as accurate as my jump shot.
What do Gay Men and Minorities have in common?
My dad hates them both!
I was at my lecture at Oxford. Professor Albert Pessistein was leading the lecture, teaching us new equations. I asked where I can find a drink, due to my dying of thirst. He said, “big games my friend.”
He then proceeded to teach us, “The greater the Big games, the higher the Bottling!”
I was in my first space mission for NASA. As we were orbiting the asteroid belt, I saw a figure. I couldn’t tell who it was, but he spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. He said, “I’m looking for my freekicks and penalties, can you help me find them?” We then decided to aid him.