My jokes

Orphan: I want to kill my parents.

Random kid: I don’t think you have the facilities to do that, big man.

Dinosaurs be like:

".......My friends are dead, like bruhhh."

Children are so ungrateful nowadays. I got my daughter a bike, but now she’s crying on the floor saying, “I don’t have legs!”

The exam is knocking at my door... so I ran away from the window.

Me and my friends were telling puns. My teacher said we should be “pun-ished.”

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger before my eyes.

Then it hit me.

I put my fish on a leash so I could teach him to walk. Then I took him out for a walk. Then, when I put him back in the tank, he stopped moving.

I really need jokes for my Atom bookmark project :3

My friend asked me:

Friend: "How much is your body worth?"

Me: "1 million."

Friend: "1 million dollars?!"

Me: "No. 1 million kilograms."

Friend: "Oh."

I told my doctor I ate a bunch of bananas. It wasn’t a very a-peeling experience.

I know that my jokes are never punny but...

Want to hear a joke? My life.

I will always remember my dad's last words...

Oh wait, I've never heard them.

Daughter: Dad, why did Mom do best?

Dad: Nothing, except pretend to love us and leave.

Daughter: So she only loves my sister?

Dad: Yep.

How do you call a cop?

Through the phone.

(My puns are bad)

What did the 90s rocker Space Engineer in multiplayer Miner yell at the Troll stealing his stuff?

"Hey! give me my Nickelback!"

I like my women like I like my diving pool:

Deep and wet.

My dog got stuck in my ass, help!

How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Must be more than 9 because my basement is still dark.

I told my cousin since we're not blood-related our parents would let us date.

Her pants were on fire.