My jokes

Me walking away after committing murder in a school with my trusty “friend”.

I accidentally hit an orphan with my car, but I was not worried because he couldn’t tell his parents.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, In your presence, my love, Every moment feels new.

Me: Sister, are you wearing makeup?

My sister wearing all the world's makeup.

Sister: Just a little.

My life. BAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHHA

So, I'm sitting here smacking on some cheese ball BBQ my titties, and then I felt a shoe get shoved all the way up my ass. I cried, then turned around and said, "MOTHERFUCKING COCK SUCK FUCKIN GAY ASS HOE SHOVIN SHOE’S UP MY ASS SON OF A BITCH!" Then turned around, punched, and got smacked in the face. Went in for another punch, got smacked in the face, then people staring at me. I said, "WTF r u starin at," I punched as hard as I can, then got knocked out. I though this this isnt over motherfucker imma find u and kill u next thing i new i was in the hospital they told me why tf were u fighting a stops sign? I said what u were fighting a motherfuckering stop sign i sad bitchi aint crazing yo head a stop sign son of a bitch fuck my pussy u must be high! hai es a bitch muhfuhcka

"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me!"

Guys, this is so wrong. I'm an orphan and this extremely offends me. I'm telling my parents, um.......

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair and guess who came crawling back!

POV: me telling a joke.

My dad: nobody likes a smart-ass.

Me: Nobody likes a smart-ass until the smart-ass finds a cure for cancer.

I love breakups. My ex-girlfriends always end up in pieces.

My mom: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?

Me: No.

Attack on Titan music starts playing in my head.

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."

Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."

Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.

Guy: Hey, Siri, I failed my final exams, can you cheer me up?

Siri: What’s the difference between you and your grandma? Your grandma passed!

Rizz

Are you a basketball hoop? 'Cause I want to put my balls in you.

Are you a photo biographer? 'Cause I can picture us together.

How many orphans does it take to change a light bulb?

Obviously more than three because my basement is still dark.

I was going to charge my phone, so I pulled a plug and put it in. Then, my grandpa wasn't breathing anymore.

I've been hit by several things in my life.

Sadly, never a car.