My jokes

I asked my nan if she wouldn't mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping. She replied, "Why the fuck would I want to sit in a bucket?" So eventually she did, and I took the best shit I have ever had!

Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."

Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.

My friend misspelled "Mexico" and got here.

He sucked his sister's poop hole.

My girlfriend was born on February 29th, so does that mean she is 2 years old?

Dam, sometimes when I look at my friend's head, I say, "Dam, that's a dam big head, Nick." Then he is like, "Dude, that's a literal dam."

What has two legs, two arms, one dead and covered in red?

My ex-wife.

Does it make me gay if I kiss your dad and he decides to drill my ass?

What's the difference between my wife and her sisters?

Her sisters ate hotter, and I married the grenade.

My balls are so purple that I use them as crayons, and I am not talking about the balls you play with. I am talking about the boy balls.

I was being interviewed by Elon Musk. He asked, "Where are you from?" and I said Portugal. He replied, "So you are a fellow countryman of a Pen merchant whose freekick ball broke my rover on Mars. Get out!!" Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Penaldo, for costing me my dream job!

My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.

Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.

Guys, can you like my jokes, please?

I asked my mother about her mom.

She said she was in a better place. After that, I asked her where that place is. She didn't know, so I sent her to a better place.

What’s the difference between my mom and the Twin Towers?

My mom got hit by two cars. The Twin Towers got hit by two planes.

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot for Pakistan.

Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.

I wish my grass was emo, then it would cut for me.

My money don't jiggle jiggle, it folds.

I want to see you wiggle wiggle, for sure.

Dick in my mouth.

I was in my first space mission for NASA. As we were orbiting the asteroid belt, I saw a figure. I couldn’t tell who it was, but he spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. He said, “I’m looking for my freekicks and penalties, can you help me find them?” We then decided to aid him.